I’m Dropping Weight

It’s been 169 days since I wrote my last blog post.  That’s kind of embarrassing.  It may not be considered an embarrassment to other people, but it is for me mostly because I had a goal this year (2017) to be more dedicated to writing.  So far, this is only my second post of the year.  My original goal was to write 1 blog a month for the whole year, and I’m clearly not going to make that happen.

In my previous blog post (all the way back in March), I had mentioned that God had really laid it on my heart to write more this year.  To reach others through words.  To speak life into existence that others may need to hear.  To be more transparent because life change happens when we encourage others and are real with them.  But what do I have to show for it going into the 4th quarter of the year?  Not much.

I’m disappointed in myself for not being as dedicated as I know I could have been for the last 8 months.  It’s not like I haven’t had blog ideas ready to go at any time.  I keep a running list of “one line zingers” on my phone at any given time to help keep track of spontaneous ideas that could turn into writing opportunities.  It’s not like I haven’t had much time to sit down and write because I’ve had plenty.  The truth is, I don’t have any plausible excuses.  I just haven’t written.

What’s crazy though is that I’ve woken up every day this year with the stirring in my heart to write.  Not a day has gone by when I haven’t felt a tug to blog, or I haven’t heard God whisper in my ear, “write!”  I can’t even blame the fact that I haven’t blogged on forgetting my goal or it slipping my mind.  I’ve thought about it every day and have even incorporated it into my daily to-do lists.  For some reason, even when I would put it on a list, I would put other things over writing and it would just keep falling lower and lower to the bottom of my priorities.  Even after I wrote my last blog in March, I had great intentions of catching up to my original goal of writing one blog a month for the year.  But still I remained stagnant, and 169 days passed without any writing.

On Father’s Day this past June, my church started a new sermon series which is typical for how my church likes to focus their messages.  It was a 4 part series you can watch here if you’re interested:  Weights

Each part of the series focused on different spiritual weights in our lives, the good and the bad.  The first Sunday right out of the gate, my pastor, Steve Huskey, began talking about the weight of sin in our lives and what it does when we allow it to weigh us down.  Now, a lot of people in our modern churches don’t like to hear the word sin.  It tends to make people uncomfortable.  In fact, I don’t like to hear that word either.  It can make me feel bad or yucky at times too.  But when it does make me feel uncomfortable, I have to remember that sin is real and sin is anything that separates me from God.  While it’s not fun to talk about, we all have sin in our lives and I know that I can be reconciled with God as long as I recognize sin, confess it, and ask for forgiveness.

As Pastor Steve unfolded this series, he challenged our whole church to start looking at the weights in our lives that bog each of us down.  He essentially told us that whatever weight(s) are in our lives that we carry that aren’t healthy for us will inevitably keep us from reaching our God given potentials and our God given destinies if we don’t strip that weight off…

Smack. Upside. The. Head. MOMENT!!

As he was making these challenges to us to look introspectively and confront these weights in our lives, I immediately felt convicted.  Not because I’m a bad person and not because I have these massively horrible things in my life that need to be dealt with. Overall, I strive to be a good person and be the person that God has called me to be. However, because I’m human, I will always have things that separate me from God this side of heaven that will need to be addressed and dealt with in order to chase after the calling that God has placed on my life.

Pastor called out a number of spiritual weights from the stage that many people struggle with: anger, lust, greed, adultery, lying, cheating, stealing, addiction, etc.  A lot of those examples are weights that people can see in another person’s life.  Those kinds of weights that hold people down make it easy to sometimes justify our own weights that “don’t seem that bad.”  It’s easy to get self righteous and think, “Well I’ve never robbed anyone or cheated on my spouse so the weights in my life aren’t has damaging as this other person’s weight.”  That thought process hinders our ability to see the magnitude of our own weights, and ultimately justifies the weights that we carry to be acceptable.  The truth is, sin is sin.  Period.  God doesn’t like my sin anymore than the next person’s.

So what about the weights that drag us down that not everyone can see.  I immediately looked to my own (sometimes invisible) “weights” that have been dragging me down for months which directly correlate to my lack of writing:  doubt, fear, laziness, apathy, indifference, and complacency.  None of these can necessarily been seen from an outside perspective, but I carry them with me and they absolutely pollute my life daily and the path that my life will ultimately take.

You see, I LOVE to write.  I always have since I was a little girl, and it’s something that comes naturally to me.  I don’t have a degree in journalism, communication, or related field, but writing brings joy to my soul.  And it doesn’t stop there.  I love writing for the purpose of encouraging others.  I truly feel like God has called me to write because my prayer and hope is that someday He will use it on a grander scale than just from a computer in small town Alabama.  My passion is helping people, and writing is a beautiful way to reach others.

But.

Anyone who is a Christ follower understands that there is a real resistance in this world that attempts to stunt our spiritual growth.  There is a force that we wrestle with all the time that comes to steal, cheat, and destroy us from our God-breathed dreams.  It’s powerful and sometimes wrecks our lives in the most unbelievable ways, or creeps in slowly and subtly like a leaky faucet that eventually floods a whole room or a whole house.

I’m referring to the devil.

The devil has an agenda and his main goal is to bring death.  Not just physical death, but spiritual death.  If he can create enough doubt, enough confusion, enough hate, enough tension, enough failure, enough pain, enough defeat, then the kingdom of God will not advance.  And if that happens, there is no hope.

As I wrestled with my personal weights on this particular Sunday in June, it ultimately made me sad.  Sad that I had let the devil get a foothold in my life to convince me that maybe what I thought God had called me to do was really just a mistake.  That my words didn’t matter or weren’t really worth writing down.  I was beginning to realize that the drippy faucet of thoughts that I had allowed to slowly leak into my mind had become an ocean of confusion and ultimately the whole reason why I hadn’t blogged in months.

Here’s how the weights of my sin (doubt, fear, laziness, apathy, indifference, and complacency) had taken hold of my life and started weighing me down and stifling me.  It began like this:  “I want to write today but I have a million things to do.”  “I’ll make time tomorrow.”  “I just saw someone publish a blog on social media.”  “That was really good.”  “I don’t know if I can write like that person.”  Sees another blog on social media from a different person, “Oh man, I was just thinking about writing about that.”  “I can’t write about that topic now because what if they think I’m copying them?”

Then the weights took hold stronger like this: “What am I really writing for anyways?” “It’s not like many people probably read what I have to say.”  “Does it matter in the grand scheme of life if I write?”  “What’s it really for?”  “I’m putting too much stock in this whole blogging thing.”  “It’s dumb of me to think I can really make a difference that way.”  “I’ll watch another episode of this Netflix show until I feel more inspired.”

Until ultimately I had convinced myself I couldn’t do it.  “There are enough bloggers in the universe.”  “I’m not writing anything new that hasn’t already been written about.”  “If I did blog, I’d probably end up offending someone and I don’t want to put myself out there like that.”  “I’ll just keep to myself and no one will no the difference.”  “There are more qualified people than me so I’ll let this whole blogging thing go and forget about it.”

The problem with these thoughts is that they totally limited me from doing what deep down I know I’m destined to do.  They became the truth from which I was making my decisions, and in fact, they weren’t true at all.

Something I’ve learned in this process of wrestling with these thoughts is that the devil exists in distraction and will do anything to keep you blinded from what you are called to do if you let him.  Even if it’s distraction in the little things, those add up to be the big things.  If the devil can create enough doubt and confusion, we will shift our minds away from what we are called to do, and fill it with lesser, trivial things.  We all have a God given purpose on this Earth, and we have to be willing to fight for it and strip off every weight that holds us back if we want to truly walk out our calling to it’s max potential.

Every doubt that crosses my mind will only have power if I let it.  But if I confront it and seek out the real truth behind it, I can allow God to work through me to push forward in his plan for my life.  Are there people that can write better than me?  Sure.  Are there topics that I want to write about that have already been written about?  Absolutely.  But what inevitably makes my writing completely unique from another person’s is that it comes from my perspective and my experience.  I might have a different view point on a a topic from someone else that might touch their life differently than how someone else would write about it.

Also, timing is everything.  I might choose to write on a topic that’s been written on a million times.  But me publishing words for someone else to read might speak to their specific season of life they are in at that moment that wouldn’t have impacted them as much before.

That’s the one thing I love about the bible.  It’s the same yesterday, as it is today, as it will be tomorrow.  There are certain verses I’ve read multiple times over that don’t affect me on any given day as much as they affect me when I’m walking through a certain season of life I’ve never experienced before.  The same thing is true for how we walk out our God given gifts.  If we take it lightly and write something off with doubt or indifference that we feel called to do, we inevitably miss the opportunity for self growth, as well as the opportunity to impact someone’s life.  I may not think what I have to say is very important, but it might be totally pertinent or insightful in the context of another person’s circumstances.

What are you wrestling with today that is holding you back from something you know you’re called to do?  What is it in your life that is suppressing your dreams?  What is that gnawing feeling nipping at your  heels that you can’t shake that keeps telling you to embark on that new journey, that new experience, or that new chapter?

I’ve been able to identify several of the weights in my life that keep me bound and shackled from reaching my full potential.  I’ve confronted them and looked them in the face even though I’d rather keep turning a blind eye.  I’ve called them by name and told the devil, “Not today!” in order to gain clarity and keep pushing forward.  And when they rear their ugly heads, I keep extinguishing them like I would in a good game of Whack A Mole 🙂

My challenge for you (and myself) today is that we embrace our callings even if we struggle with resistance.  My hope is that we march forward towards our dreams even if they seem impossible or we’ve convinced ourselves they’re not worth pursuing.  I pray that, whatever circumstances you find yourself in today, you would be able to confront your own weights and recognize that God has more planned for your life than the place you’re in at this moment.

One thing I know to be true (even if it doesn’t feel true in the moment) is that God is bigger than any weight we have carried from our pasts, any weight we currently carry, and any weight we have yet to carry.  The weight can feel massive, and ultimately too overwhelming to sustain.  But 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”  There is always a solution to whatever weight you’re carrying that holds you down.  It may take time to start shedding some of that weight, but know that the more weight you get rid of, the easier it will be to keep moving forward.

God never said he called the qualified, the people who already know what they are doing and how they plan to get to where they are going.  God qualifies the called.  If you feel nudged to pursue something in your life today, you don’t have to have all the answers before you begin and you don’t have to know exactly where it will take you.  What God begins in you, He will see it through in you if you answer His call.  I don’t know where this journey of writing will take me, but I’m willing to keep pushing forward to find out.

I’m dropping weight today.  I pray that you will drop some too.

Ditch The List

I haven’t written a blog in almost 6 months!  It’s a little hard to believe life has gone by so quickly recently that I’ve let that much time elapse since letting my creative mind get tagged down in tangible words.  At the turn of 2016 into 2017, God has been pressing on my heart to write a blog a month for this year.  Yes, I’m aware it’s the beginning of March and this is my first blog to write in the new year, BUT, I’m finally getting serious about making this a priority.

I feel like I go through seasons where I’m more excited to write because I have all of these wonderful ideas, and then I go through lulls where I don’t feel like I have as much to share, so I don’t.  I’m going to try to get out of this habit in 2017 and make time to write (at least) once a month in an attempt to stretch myself more and be more in tune with what the Lord is trying to teach me, and in turn, how He wants me to help others.

This past weekend spontaneously prompted this blog post out of some personal convictions I found myself experiencing…

I’m a creature of routine and structure.  Not necessarily the Type A personality where I have lists for my lists and highlighters and planners and everything organized.  Although sometimes I wish I was a little bit more like that because I feel like my life might be slightly easier.

I’m more of a creature of habit like we all tend to be.  I have my work schedule, gym schedule, cooking schedule (sometimes), church schedule, friend schedule, cleaning schedule, phone call schedule (because my immediate family and I live in 3 different time zones), free time schedule, and then miscellaneous schedule for all other things that don’t fit into one of those other categories.

For the most part, my days look the same because I have this nice little neatly packed schedule in my mind of all of these moving parts and how I plan to get them done.  I don’t ever write these things down because I don’t like planners, but I do a pretty good job of getting things accomplished by thinking ahead.

However, this past Saturday I woke up and didn’t feel like doing any of my regular activities.  Normally, I spend my Saturdays going to they gym, cleaning my house, and running errands because my husband works Saturdays and it’s just a good day to get stuff done since I’m running solo.

I woke up kind of late, fixed myself breakfast (brunch), and enjoyed my coffee.  As I progressed throughout the morning, I realized I didn’t have anything PRESSING to get done, so I wandered over to the couch and started watching a marathon of Fixer Upper.  The only thing I would get up for every once in a while was to refill my coffee mug, and then come right back to the couch to continue on watching Chip and Joanna Gaines flip houses.

At one point, I looked at the clock and it was 2:30 pm…

Had I just wasted a good part of a “working” Saturday doing nothing?

I started thinking of all of the things I “could or should be doing” and started to have a bit of anxiety.

The list started running through my head:  laundry, grocery store, the stacks of pictures in the guest bedroom I started organizing but left a few weeks ago that need to be put away, figuring out meal plans for this week, the bed’s unmade, I should probably vacuum the dog hair off the floor, maybe I should go workout since I didn’t go to my gym class this morning, there are dishes in the sink, etc, etc, etc.

All of the sudden, I felt guilty for breaking my routine to enjoy my coffee and watch HGTV. In my head, I was thinking of how enjoying some “me time” might really throw off my whole week if I didn’t accomplish “The List.”

Ugh, The List.

I hate The List.  The older I’ve gotten, something has changed inside of me.  Maybe it’s maturity.  Maybe it’s marriage.  Maybe it’s bonafide adulthood.  Maybe it’s just the natural course that happens to women all over this world as they blossom into care takers of all things.  I don’t know.  But it’s really hard for me to avoid the nagging, persistent heel-nipping harassment of The List.

It’s like, no matter how much I try to be care free, The List tends to rear it’s ugly head to remind me that I have responsibilities and things to do.  Because if I don’t do them, they won’t get done and then I’ll drop the ball somehow.

This weekend as I sat on my couch and analyzed these feelings of guilt and angst over this 4 hour cup of coffee I was trying to enjoy, I asked myself, “What is making me feel this way, and WHO is making me feel this way?”  I stared blankly into my caramel colored, luke-warm coffee and realized…it was me.

I was the one putting this pressure on myself to get everything done.  I was the one setting this standard and expectation to perform at the highest level of success.

But for what?

I can answer that question for myself, and I know for me, it’s because I don’t want to let anyone or anything down.  I feel an obligation to do things, not because I feel like I always have to, but because I have a desire to live efficiently and make the most of my time and schedule.  Even if it’s at the expense of my own personal down time.

I’m a counselor.  It’s what I do for a living and I love helping others work through issues in their own lives and find success in overcoming obstacles and experiencing personal growth.  One of my every day mantras I express to my clients is the idea that “you can’t pour from an empty cup.”  Essentially, if you don’t care for yourself first, you won’t have anything to give back to anyone else.

Here I was sitting on my couch confronted with that exact truth that I don’t always implement into my daily living.  I have outlets for stress as a part of my own personal care plan such as exercise and hanging out with my friends, but often times those activities are squeezed in between working, cooking a meal, doing the laundry, and other things that are a part of my daily routine.

Sometimes, it’s ok to just do nothing.  And that can be such a hard truth for me to accept because there is this constant desire to be busy.  In my mind, there is always something that could be done even if it isn’t an urgent priority.  I even feel a little bit of guilt taking time to write this blog because I have “The List” reminding me of the usual things I do that are “more practical than this.”

One of my favorite scenes from a movie I saw several years ago comes from the movie, “I Don’t Know How She Does It.”  It’s about a woman who is mom of two kids and works full time at a very demanding job.  One of the scenes from the movie that describes women so well is called, “The List.”  Sarah Jessica Parker who stars in the movie is laying in bed thinking of all the things she has to do over the next several days.  You can watch it here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97wa5FUtuG4

This clip doesn’t show the very last part of the scene where she finally gets rid of The List, but at the very end of the movie, she starts to learn how to live beyond The List and the demands of everything in her life.

As I woman, I recognize that I’m probably always going to be highly aware of The List.  I think by design, all women are always aware of The List.  It’s a blessing and a curse.  It’s wonderful that we are able to see the big picture from 30,000 feet above, and hone in on the minor details in order to make everything in life come together.  It’s a curse because it’s very hard for us to live freely outside of The List because we know how much smoother life could go if we just got things done.

I want to encourage anyone reading this today to ditch The List.  As agonizing and overwhelming as it can be to let some things go, remind yourself that life will go on if you don’t get it ALL done.

This past Saturday, I (almost) totally ditched The List. I got off the couch from watching Fixer Upper, took my dog to the park for walk since it was beautiful here, came back home to finish watching some more Fixer Upper, and then got ready to go eat dinner with my husband once he got off work.  I compulsively sorted some laundry, made the bed, and cleaned some dishes out of the sink before he got home, but for the most part, I had a “me” day.

God tells us in Hebrews 4: 9-11, “9 So there is a special rest still waiting for the people of God. 10 For all who have entered into God’s rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world. 11 So let us do our best to enter that rest. But if we disobey God, as the people of Israel did, we will fall.”

God wants us to take rest from routine and work.  He encourages it because He also took time to rest on the 7th day after creating the world.  He even tells us that there will be consequences if we don’t make time for rest.  I know I’ve experienced consequences from time to time when I don’t rest:  sickness, unwarranted stress, and failing to complete tasks because I over-commit myself.

Overall, I feel like a healthy, balanced individual.  Being transparent in my writing might insinuate that I’m a stickler for my schedule and fall apart if I don’t get my task list completed.  The truth is, most times I can go with the flow and readjust my sails if I get off track from what I had planned for the day.

I am human though and sometimes can be too hard on myself when I lose sight of the big picture of life and Who holds all things together for good.  If you find yourself being overwhelmed by The List today, take a step back and remind yourself that everything will work out even if you can’t get it all done today.

Intentionally look for ways that you can pour into your own cup so that you have strength and clarity to pour into other people and responsibilities.  Take a quick walk, find an encouraging quote, enjoy that cup of coffee, listen to some soothing music, tell someone no because you don’t have to be all things to all people, pray to get better connected to God, love on your pet, love on your kids, or pick up take-out for dinner tonight so you don’t have the burden of cooking.

Whatever it is, ditch The List (or at least part of The List) and remind yourself that you are worth investing in and loving today.  The world will keep spinning on it’s axis and you can rest in knowing that you took care of YOU for a brief minute until you feel prepared to get back in the game of this crazy, beautiful life.

Be blessed (and rest),

-Maggie

I Never Wanted To Get Married

Today, I have been married a year!  September 26, 2015 was one of the most brilliant days of my life that I honestly never thought would happen for me, and I never thought marriage would ever be a part of my life story.  It was an exhilarating whirlwind that I wish I could re-live over and over again.  Everything that you could ever dream of for a perfect wedding day came together for me and my husband that day (with the exception of our cake falling haha), and it definitely felt like a fairy tale come true.

But it wasn’t always my dream to be married or to be a wife.  Quite frankly, being a wife was something I never thought I would be cut out to do.

Growing up, I was a tom boy.  I hated wearing dresses and I have vivid memories of arguing with my mother over clothes she wanted me to wear that I thought were too girly.  I didn’t like the idea of being prissy and I was much more comfortable in t-shirts and jeans.

In Elementary school, I liked playing with the boys at recess because they liked to play sports.  I was good at sports so I’d much rather spend my free time playing dodgeball or kickball with them than playing house or make-believe with the girls.  Connecting with boys at that age was easy for me because they liked sports, and I liked sports, so we just played together.

But when we all hit that good ole’ stage of puberty and boys and girls started liking each other, all of the sudden I couldn’t relate.  I was still in my grunge phase (that lasted entirely too long), and all of the other girls seemed to start dolling up and dressing up.

Almost immediately, I wasn’t the fun girl to hang out with and be “one of the guys,” because I didn’t desire to participate in stereotypical girly things.  I was kind of the awkward girl who didn’t transition to the cute pre-teen phase of life and bat her eyelashes like the rest of my peers.

I didn’t know how to do makeup.  I hated being dressed up.  And I certainly didn’t know how to talk to a boy in a flirtatious way.  All of my friends seemed to transition seamlessly into “boyfriend girlfriend world” and I was left in no-man’s land blinking my eyes like a deer stunned by head lights.

Picture Lindsay Lohan in the movie Mean Girls when her crush Aaron Samuels asks her over to his Halloween party.  In that scene, she’s so socially awkward she gets tongue tied between saying “Great” and “Cool” and it comes out “Grool!”  That was an accurate picture of my entire dating life (or lack there of) in a nut shell.  Except I couldn’t blame my social awkwardness on the fact that I grew up in Africa and was home schooled like Lindsay Lohan was in the movie.  I was just the socially inept tom boy who grew up in public school and didn’t get the memo quick enough that wearing your basketball jersey to school every day wasn’t a turn on for most guys.

Dating did not come easy for me, and at times, it made me feel like a social outcast when all of my friends had boyfriends and I was showing up stag everywhere I went.  It’s not that I didn’t want a boyfriend, I just didn’t know how to put myself out there enough to get one, or conform to society’s standards of what a teenage flirtatious girl “should” be.

I can say that I had a 1 or 2, short-lived relationships in middle school and high school, but nothing that amounted to more than a few months here or there.   Maybe I didn’t date much as a young girl because I was shy.  Maybe it was because I was more interested in hanging out with my friends and pursuing my own personal interests.  Maybe it was because I thought sex and intimacy were scary and I wasn’t willing to hop in the sack for any random guy who told me I was pretty.  Maybe it was because  I didn’t really figure out how to apply foundation and mascara until I was in college and most guys thought I was too much of a plain Jane.  Whatever the reason, dating was foreign and awkward and I felt like I was terrible at it.

There came a point in my life after I transitioned into college that I honestly thought I was meant to be single for the rest of my life.  That sounds so terminal and final, but it was a great fear of mine.  I was open to dating in college, but never found someone I was truly interested in or I felt like would be a good fit.  On some level, I felt defective.  Why was it so hard for me to date and why was it never working out for me?  It seemed so effortless for others, but so impossible for me.

I questioned my standards A LOT.  Sometimes I convinced myself that I should just “lower the bar” and maybe that would work.  If I wasn’t so strict on the kind of man I wanted to date, I could find a relationship easier.  Other times I wrestled with the idea that maybe I just didn’t know how to love another person in a romantic way.  What if I wasn’t somehow capable of opening up my heart enough to another person to really love with abandon and expose all of me to all of them?  I felt so conflicted and so discouraged because the longing in my heart was to be with someone, and I had to confront the idea that maybe I wasn’t supposed to be married and maybe I should settle with the idea of being single…forever…

I cried out to God in my prayers more times than I can even count or remember and begged Him to send me someone.  I would shout in anger at God questions like, “Why do I want so badly to find a husband and You keep saying NO!?” But when I kept hitting brick walls and my situation wasn’t changing, my prayers eventually shifted more to statements like, “God, just help me be satisfied with ME and reveal YOUR will for my life.”  I gave up begging Him and opened up more to receiving what God was trying to teach me during that season of life.

I was a 26 year old adult, living alone in an apartment with two degrees, working full time, and pressing into God to sustain me no matter where life took me.  At one point, I actually became content with the idea of being alone and living with only me.  I even convinced myself that it was the better end of the deal because if I lived alone, I would never have to worry about another person.  I wouldn’t have to wrestle with conflict, putting another person’s needs before my own, or the possibility of divorce if everything fell apart.  I really settled in with this peace of doing my own thing and thanked God for giving me clarity.

But God wasn’t ready to leave me there.  He hadn’t forgotten about the aching places in my heart that longed to share a life with someone.  He hadn’t forgotten about all of the tears on my pillow I had cried over the years when I felt alone or forgotten.  He heard my desires loud and clear and was ready to open the door for me to experience true love and connection for the first time.

He gave me my husband, Blake.

We met in the late spring of 2013, but didn’t start dating until almost a year later in 2014.  I actually shut him down for almost a month before I agreed to officially go out with him because I had already come to terms with the fact that God was calling me to be single.  I even asked myself and God, “Why Blake?  Why now?”  I’d put the idea of being with someone out of the realm of reality for me and I was ok with being by myself.

But I agreed to 1 date.  That led to 2 dates, and 3, and 4.  Dating Blake was easy.  It was like I had never even struggled before in the dating world because I immediately felt at home with him.  I remember looking at him across the dinner table on our second date and my heart literally burst for the first time with the most intense emotions I had ever experienced, and it was terrifying and magical all at the same time.  I knew immediately within a few weeks of dating that I was falling in love with him.

As our relationship progressed and our love for each other grew, there was still this fear in the back of my mind that I might not be cut out for this whole marriage thing.  I desperately and painfully desired it, but what if we got married, became a statistic, and divorced like 50-60% of the rest of the world?  Would it be worth it?  Could we beat the odds?  Could we love each other enough?  I was keenly aware of how divorce affects individuals and families based on my own family dynamics, and part of me didn’t want to take the leap of trusting another person with my heart if at some point they might break it.  I didn’t take the idea of marriage lightly, and I understood the gravity of committing myself to another person for life.

But despite the fear in my mind, I consistently felt God say, “Trust Me.”  Proverbs 3:5-6 rang loud in my ears with the words, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  What beautiful truth. 

The ways of this world, society’s standard of relationships/marriage, and my life experiences don’t have to dictate what kind of marriage I have.  I don’t have to lean on my own understanding, or fears rather, as I experience the unknown.  I trust in a God who is faithful to His word and I know His truths promise good things for me if I follow Him.

I was very transparent with Blake about these thoughts and feelings early on in our relationship, and together we worked out what kind of relationship we wanted to have as well as what kind of marriage we wanted to walk towards.  We explored our expectations of each other, our ideas about marriage, and our hopes for the future and how we would attain them.

So here we are.  One year down.  Forever to go.

As I sit here typing this blog, I’m in total awe of the work that God has done in my life, the work He has done in my marriage, and the transformation He has done within me.  I’m not the girl I was a year ago, but I’m so thankful to be changed in a way I never would have expected.  As each day passes, I learn to embrace and walk out the role of being a wife and companion to my husband.  It’s one of the greatest challenges I’ve ever been given, and one of the greatest honors of my life.  Some days it still doesn’t feel real that I get to live this dream, but I’m so thankful it’s not just a dream, but my reality.

Blake,

As much as I love to write, and as easy as it comes to me to be able to pour my heart out on paper, there will never be enough words in the entire universe to accurately express how much I love you, and how much my life has been changed for good because of you.  You are the reason I know what true love is on this earth.

There are corners in my heart I never knew existed until you came and filled them.  You’re the reason all of the love songs on the radio have meaning to me, past and present.  You have made me a hypocrite in the best possible way.  I used to think PDA was stupid.  I used to roll my eyes at couples that were overly lovey, and mushy, and said things like “I love you more, no I love you more.”  I swore I would never do an #MCM post or write paragraphs about my love for a guy on social media. I have to swallow my pride and admit that I not only have done those things now, but live for the times I can share moments like that with you.  And the bliss of it all is not even caring who judges me for it because I have found a love that makes my soul sing and I don’t care who knows.

This past year of marriage has been anything but ordinary.  We’ve grown so much together, and have understood what it really means to have “two become one.”  No amount of premarital counseling or advice from others truly prepares you for what “day-in and day-out” marriage really looks like, but I’m so thankful we got good training and discipleship from those around us.

Thank you for putting God first in our marriage and for being my leader, protector, provider, confidant, and best friend.  We have experienced wonderful milestones together this first year like learning how to manage our finances, expressing and living out our expectations of one another, growing spiritually, hosting family for holidays, taking trips to explore new places, changing career paths (multiple times), and building a home together on a foundation that won’t easily crumble.

We’ve also stumbled, too, at times.  We haven’t experienced anything out of the norm for the newly wed season of life.  But regardless, the transition to marriage can be awkward, scary, and overwhelming simply based on the fact that it’s foreign to us.  Despite our growing pains, it has been a joy to learn how to live life with you.  Neither one of us are perfect, but I find comfort in knowing our relationship is firmly rooted in God, and we continue to give each other grace in finding our footing in this relationship together.

If I’ve learned one major principle this first year of marriage, I would have to say that it’s relationships rise and fall on communication and expectations (thanks to our pastor for this advice during premarital counseling).  I’ve come to realize that as long as we communicate our desires, thoughts, fears, needs, and hopes for each other, we can work from there and come to a solution together.

It’s funny, you don’t realize how truly differently you can think from someone else until you’re having to make the simplest or silliest decisions on a daily basis.  As I close my thoughts for this blog, I am reminded of a situation from this past year where Blake and I had opposing views on the placement of our Christmas tree.

We hadn’t previously discussed where the tree would be set up in our house, but we both clearly had our minds made up about where it should go…and it wasn’t in the same place.  He had envisioned it being placed behind the couch because there was more room there for the tree to fit, but I had envisioned it being placed by our TV so I could enjoy it’s beauty while sitting on the couch.  In my head I was thinking, “Duh, why have a Christmas tree if you can’t see it while sitting in your living room?”  And he was thinking more from a functional standpoint of where it fit best.

We ended up putting it by the TV 🙂

Honestly, we didn’t really argue about it, and I would have been fine with wherever we put the tree.  It wasn’t that deep for me.

But one night, while sitting and enjoying the tree in the quietness of my house, God used that image to speak to me.

Marriage isn’t about right and wrong.  It isn’t about where a Christmas tree goes.  It’s not about what house you live in, what cars you drive, how much money you make, or being the one that wins arguments.

Marriage is about mirroring the image of God and living out the sacrificial covenant He gave to us.  As I stared at that beautifully lit Christmas tree, I thought about Jesus dying on his tree (the cross) for me and for the rest of the world.  God LOVED me enough to send his son so that I could have a relationship with the King and have eternal life.  It took my breath away and reminded me why compromise and sacrifice in my own marriage is so important.

Blake, we may not always get it right.  We may not always bend to each other with grace and forgiveness as we should.  There will be wonderful times ahead, and also times where we have to learn how to love each other even when we don’t feel like it.  But I’m so thankful for your commitment and covenant to me, and I know with continued guidance from God and those who care about us, we can accomplish anything together.

Thank you for being my one and only.  Thank you for caring for my heart.  Thank you for never settling for complacency and always working to be a better man.  I will continue to love and support you as your help mate and encourager. You are the love of my life and the only man that has ever made a believer out of me that marriage is FOR me, and love is a good, good thing.  As we proclaimed on our wedding day during our unity ceremony, Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”  With God as the main strand between us, I pray we only continue to grow in our love for each other and strengthen our marriage.  Happy 1 year of marriage, Blake.

Love you more,

Maggie

I Left My Comfort Zone For The Unknown

I’ve always been a planner.  Not in the “Type-A” kind of way where I have every hour of every day planned out for the next 6 months and lists for my lists.  The only time in my life that I ever had lists for my lists was when I was wedding planning and it made me want to vomit.  I hate being overly organized, and planning the fine details of larger scale projects gives me a migraine just thinking about it.  When I say I’ve always been a planner, I mean as far as the big picture goes…life plans rather.  Maybe a better word to describe the planner in me would be futuristic.

As long as I can remember, I’ve always had my eyes focused on the next thing.  The next step.  The next goal.  The next phase of life.  It’s a blessing and a curse because I really struggle with living in the moment sometimes because I don’t want to miss the opportunity to delve into the next adventure.  I think in leaps and bounds.  I get bogged down by the little trivial components of life, but I can always tell you the plan of where I’ll be in 10 years (or at least where I think I’ll be).

Looking back over my life, it’s comical that I put so much stock and planning into my future because most of it hasn’t turned out how I thought it would (shocker).  If you would have told me 15 years ago that I would move to Alabama from Virginia, make the best friends of my life, grow immensely through self exploration, live there for 8 years before meeting my husband, and then ultimately marry a “good ole boy” from small town America, I would have laughed in your face.  But now I can’t imagine my life any other way.

I feel like part of my futuristic mindset comes from always being a worker bee.  I think I figured out from a young age that if you work hard, you get some kind of reward.  If you work hard in school, you get good grades.  If you work hard in sports, you get more playing time.  If you work hard in your job, you get more money and more promotions.

I started “working” when I was about 10 years old.  I did the whole mommy’s helper gig where I entertained my neighbors kids while their mom worked in another room in the house uninterrupted.  I graduated to babysitting and nannying once I got old enough to watch other kids alone, and I loved having extra cash in my pocket.

I got my first REAL job with a local organization when I was 14 years old.  I was your handy dandy neighborhood pool concession stand worker!  I made $4.25 an hour, and I LOVED it!  I counted change like a boss.  That actually might be a bit of an exaggeration because I really suck at math.  But at least I had a calculator!  I refilled customers cups with ice like a pro.  I microwaved those frozen pizzas to perfection.  I didn’t even mind scrubbing the toilets and mopping the floors of the bathrooms because I was getting that glorious pay check of $120 every two weeks.  Life was grand!  And the bonus was I got to work with my friends!

I didn’t realize it then, but I was developing a lot of pride in being self sufficient and learning how to foster my independence.  At 14 years old, there wasn’t much I was responsible for.  I couldn’t drive so there were no car payments, insurance payments, or gas bills.  Cell phones were still in their infancy so it’s not like I had a phone bill to pay.  All I did with that money was save it and spend it occasionally on going to the movies or buying something fun I wanted.  But I was learning the value of a dollar and the importance of supporting myself.

From 10 years old with my first exploration of “working” to being hired at 14 years old for my first real job, I never stopped working.  The only time I ever took off from working was when I moved to college.  I didn’t work my first semester so I could get acclimated to school, but I came to college with $2,000 of my own money I had saved up to live off of for a few months.

I worked a lot in college too.  Sometimes two and three jobs at a time to make it through.  I had occasional help from my parents if times were tight, but I definitely wasn’t one of those “kids” whose parents gave them a monthly allowance, paid for their groceries and rent, and paid all of their sorority fees.  I was 12 hours away from my family so unless it was something really big and important, I financed most things on my own.

Working is like a second language to me, so the thought of not working or working less terrifies me.  Like, I don’t know how to not work.  I some how feel inadequate if I’m not working all the time because it’s all I’ve ever known.  Even as a student worker, I had class all day and work all night.  The busyness of working towards something is what brings me comfort and always has.  I do love a good vacation, but consistently working makes me feel accomplished.

So last month when I had an opportunity to step away from the safety and security of my nice and neat 40 hour a week job with guaranteed benefits and pay to something with no benefits and inconsistent pay, my first thought was, “I can’t.”  No way!  I’ve worked for the better half of my life to get to the place where I was “comfortable” in a good job.  I can’t just throw that away!

But I did.  I walked away from my comfort zone and into the unknown to chase a dream that has been blooming in me for 10 years.

I got an unexpected call from a former boss of mine out of the blue about coming to work for her.  I about fell out of my chair in excitement because this was a job I had been praying God would open a door to for years!  She told me it would only be part time, there would be no benefits, no sick time, no vacation time, and ultimately, I only get paid for the hours I clock.  And the catch?  I’d be contracted.  So basically my contract is only good for a certain amount of time and at any point, that contract might not be renewed.  But it was mine if I wanted it.

So many thoughts.  So many emotions.  What if I take this job and it doesn’t pan out in the long run?  What if I only get contracted for a little while?  Can I afford to lose my benefits and guaranteed pay?  Is this job worth taking because it’s the deepest desire of my heart in exchange for possible failure?

After much prayer, consideration, late night talks with my husband, budget crunching, and immense anxiety, I let go of the guaranteed and said yes to my dream.

I left my full time job with benefits on August 12th, and stepped into a job as a counselor at THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH ALABAMA on August 15th!!

I have prayed for this job for so long.  From the moment I became at student at UNA, I fell in love with the university, with Florence Alabama, and the college atmosphere.  There is something about a college campus that is so captivating and so exhilarating!  The excitement each semester brings is so contagious.  I loved my 4 years as an undergrad and 3 years as a master’s student so much that I dreamed of becoming an employee at UNA to help others on their journeys also.

What most people don’t know is that I have applied for jobs at UNA consistently since 2011 and got rejected over and over again.  Each application that came back denied was like a punch in the gut.  I wanted a job there so badly but the constant closed door I ran into made me feel like maybe this wasn’t where my path was supposed to take me.

About a year ago, I decided that I would just let this job thing go.  I had been rejected for the 4th or 5th time, and I had had enough.  My desire to work at UNA wasn’t gone, but I figured that maybe the timing wasn’t right and I should just focus on being content where I was in life.  As soon as I let go and decided to appreciate where I was, God opened the pathway back up to allow me to walk towards that dream again.

Now, the futuristic piece of me that loves security and a plan would have envisioned this job at UNA a lot differently.  I would have pictured myself getting employed at UNA as a full time staff member with benefits, sick leave, accrued vacation time, and steady hours.  But I’m not surprised things turned out his way because anytime God has the opportunity to show me how to trust him more, I know he’ll take it.

Ultimately, my identify and security should never be wrapped up in a job.  It should never be wrapped up in material things, relationships, or some dumb “life plan” that I come up with and forget to include God in it.  It should be secure in who God says I am.  Galatians 2:20 says, “My old self has been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.  So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.”

As much as we try, we don’t have control over the plan for our lives.  That doesn’t mean we should work less, try less, be passive towards opportunities in our lives, or never take initiative to better ourselves.  It just means that, if we give credit to the One who holds all of our futures and knows all of our steps, it takes the pressure off of having it all figured out.

One of my favorite life verses is Jeremiah 29:11.  I’ve known it as long as I can remember and it reads, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to proser you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future.”  That is one of the most comforting verses I read day in and day out because that is a PROMISE from God.  He doesn’t say, “figure it out on your own and I might give you a helping hand along the way.”  He says he KNOWS these plans for us and they are for GOOD!

God also promises in Psalm 37:4 that if we take delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our hearts.  God knew all along that my desire was to work at UNA.  He didn’t just hand it to me as soon as I wanted it 5-7 years ago.  But in the process of trusting Him and DELIGHTING in His goodness and promises, he answered the call of my heart.

He will do the same for you too.  Whatever that desire is in your soul, if you take it to Him, He will hear it.  There have been times in my life where I’ve desired things and if they truly weren’t meant to be for me, those desires faded and I shifted my focus.

God cares for us and knows our paths before we even think about where we might go.  He’s like the parent that protects us from what He knows isn’t good for us.  Even if we are begging for what we want right now, he has the foresight to know when the timing is right for us to be the most successful in new endeavors.  Had I gotten this job any sooner, I’d be less qualified because I wouldn’t have had time to gain all kinds of experience in different areas of the mental health field to prepare me for this moment.  I know that now and can appreciate that.

So when your plan goes awry or a door keeps getting closed on you, don’t fight it.  Refocus your efforts on listening to what God is teaching you during those times and TRUST the plan even when it’s not easy because His word promises us we are being used to prosper and to have a hope in our future.

10 years ago this month, I moved to Florence, Alabama as an 18 year old kid with NO CLUE what my future might hold.  I was 750 miles away from home and I was nervous, excited, overwhelmed, expectant, terrified, and a multitude of other emotions all rolled into one. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that God brought me to Alabama clinging to Jeremiah 29:11 praying His verse would sustain me in times of doubt, and 10 years later almost to the exact day, He opened the door for me to be hired at the place that started my journey here.  He’s a good, good Father.

ROAR LIONS!!!!

Maggie

Where’s Your Grit?

I consider myself to be many things.  A Christian.  A counselor.  A wife. A daughter.  A sister.  A granddaughter.  A friend.  A lover of music.  A writer.  An introvert (and sometimes an extrovert).  A critical thinker.  A dog lover.  The list goes on.  We all wear different labels at different times depending on the role we are called to play, or the role we desire to have.  One label that used to be a driving force in my life, a fairly big identifier of who I was for the majority of my childhood, was athlete.  I still identify as an athlete today, it’s just not as dominant as it used to be because I’m not publically parading around in jerseys or playing in leagues anymore.  I still take pride in physical fitness, and being an athlete is something I’ve always loved.  Being athletic, coordinated, and driven just came naturally to me from a young age.

I tried many sports, as most children do, when I was finally old enough to start understanding the concept of team play and personal dedication to a task.  I tried gymnastics, softball, swimming, horseback riding, and tennis.  I even have a faint memory of being in a tap dancing class when I was REALLY young.  But one sport surpassed them all when I finally tried my hand at it.  And that sport was basketball.  Nothing else held a candle to the passion that was ignited in my heart when I began to shoot, dribble, and play on a team.  It was an immediate, instant connection to a desire that would burn inside me for years to come.

My first memories of playing basketball are tied to the YMCA youth recreational team where I began playing around 7-8 years old.  It was a short season and all you had to do was sign up.  There were no cuts because everyone got to play.  Our teams were divided by solid colors, and I remember my team name was  Power and we all had bright, red t-shirts.  It was nothing fancy, but I already had a sense of pride for my team.  I was so proud of that red shirt, I wore it to my first day of middle school where I would be meeting about 1,000 new kids.  Looking back, that was a horrible decision in more ways than one!  Fashion suicide on day one of junior high!  That’s another blog for another day 🙂

I’m sure it was pretty hysterical to watch these little “thrown together teams” run up and down a court with little structure.   There were no plays and no real serious coordination of events.  Some girls on my team had zero interest in being there, but they were forced to show up because their parents were trying to expose them to “a wide variety of activities.”  Not me though.  I showed up to play as hard as Richard Simmons goes at a work out routine.  I was excited!  I loved it!  I could eat, sleep, and breathe being on that court running drills and practicing all day.  I felt like I had found my niche, and a dream was unfolding before my eyes.  A dream I could chase, run after, and pursue because it made me feel alive inside.

Soon after I became involved in recreational league play, I yearned for more.  I began begging my parents to be a part of something where I could play basketball all the time.  My parents decided to get me my first basketball goal for our driveway towards the end of elementary school to see how serious I was about my dedication to the sport.  It was a standard goal, but it had that hard, plastic backboard that didn’t quite make it a “legit” hoop.  But as soon as we put it together, I went to work.  Playing all hours of the day during the summer.  Staying outside at night with the porch lights on trying to still make out the outline of the rim to sink shots in the dark.  The dream was real and I couldn’t stop playing.

With my new found love of the game, and constant desire to play, I tried out for my middle school basketball team in the 6th grade, and was one of only 5 girls who made the team.  Man was I on cloud 9!  I was a shrimp compared to the 8th graders, but I was beaming with pride that I made the cut!  From there, I went on to play travel ball every spring and summer, as well as started dedicating myself to the gym in the off seasons.  At 13, I became involved with a training program called U-Turn where I learned how to lift weights, run drills, work on agility, increase my vertical leap, perfect my shot, and incorporate bible study devotions into each practice to coincide with my calling to play basketball.  This was my definition of living the dream.  Getting up everyday, pursuing my passion with everything I had, and pushing myself to the limit to be the best player I could be.  My parents eventually replaced my kiddie hoop in the driveway with the real deal!  I’m talking a plexiglass backboard and adjustability to the standard height of 10 feet.  I was ecstatic and they were taking me seriously!

As time moved on, I eventually graduated to high school where I played my freshman year on the junior varsity team.  Our team went 14 wins that year undefeated before we lost our first game, and by the end of that year, the coach from the varsity team was letting me dress out for games with the varsity players.  I was well on my way to play varsity for my sophomore year, and I was so excited I couldn’t stand it!  This dream of mine to be an amazing basketball player that started 7 years prior to this was unfolding before my eyes, and it was so close, I could taste it.

But something happened.  Something changed that I wasn’t prepared for.  I never saw this situation coming, but when it arrived, it was so forceful it changed the course of history.  The course of MY history.

A new girl.  A girl who transferred to my school from a state away who was in my grade.  Who played my position.  A girl with an agenda.  A girl who would change my world.  Rumors were already swirling at the beginning of the school year of this girl and that she played basketball…

Tryouts came my sophomore year.  Girls were divided out into two separate groups based on grade level and/or talent.  The new girl went to the varsity side of the gym, and I was pushed towards the JV side of the gym.  My body became hot.  My heart rate went up so fast I could feel it pulsing in my ears.  Tears welled in my eyes that were so hot, they burned as I tried to hold them back.  I couldn’t focus.   I couldn’t breathe.  What was happening?  Who was this girl and how did she already have a connection to the varsity team when she hasn’t even been here?  I had already been dressing for varsity the year before, but somehow was being relegated to the “lesser” team.  I became frozen in my frustration and literally didn’t know what to do.

I immediately felt sick.  Stuck.  I attempted to talk to some of the coaches about it, but it was like my words were falling on deaf ears.  It seemed that this decision was permanent and I became consumed with this intense hurt, rage, bitterness, fear, jealousy, and bewilderment. Despite all of those feelings, there was one that took the cake.  I even hesitate to admit it, but it was real and it was raw.  Hatred.  I hated her.  I had never felt a hate like this before for someone I had never met and didn’t really know.  But it was all-consuming and drove everything inside of me like a train.  I hated her with every fiber of my being and I didn’t care who knew.

I’d love to tell you that she was some all-star player who should have had that spot on that team.  I’d love to tell you her shooting accuracy was 80%.  I’d love to tell you she was some amazon player who was 5’10 and full of muscle.  I’d love to tell you her place on the team was justified and she was the fastest, strongest, and best defensive player they had.  That would have at least made it convincible for me to believe she deserved it.  That would have at least helped me let go of this position I had been working my butt off for, for years.  But she wasn’t any of those things.  She was average.  She was an ok ball player who claimed she played varsity where she went to school previously, and that’s why she deserved that spot on that team.  And that’s what stung the most.  In my brain, I couldn’t rationalize this decision.  But it was made.  It was done.

I fell into a deep depression.  I felt like I lost my sense of purpose.  What if everything I had worked for over the past 7 years was all for nothing?  It was a gut-wrenching slap in the face every day that I had to show up at school and sit in the same classes as her.  Practice in the same gym as her.  Dress out on game days in different uniforms than her.  Have her sit with the varsity team in the bleachers watching me play with the JV team while she got to wear her letters.  Having to smile and entertain her when both teams got together for socials or tournaments.  I hated her so badly and nothing seemed to make things any better.

I feel like the worst part of this whole situation wasn’t even related to basketball.  One of my best friends I had started playing ball with in 6th grade made varsity basketball as a Freshman.  She was someone I connected with immediately when we met in middle school, and she was someone I loved hanging out with.  For some reason, this new girl targeted our friendship and despised the fact that we were friends at all, much less best friends.  I have a vivid memory of us doing warm ups in practice one day when both teams were practicing together.  My best friend and I were cutting up and laughing, and this girl came over in between us and demanded we stop speaking to each other because she didn’t like it.  Instances like that made my blood bubble up even more with the hatred I had towards her.  Looking back, I just took it.  I didn’t respond because I didn’t know how.  I don’t know if it was shock that made me so unable to respond to her.  Maybe it was insecurity.  Maybe it was the hate that made me so crippled that I couldn’t fight back.  Maybe it was that I felt inferior to her and I just couldn’t muster up the strength to hold my own.  So many instances like that came up, and I just let her do it to me.  Over and over again.

I wish I could tell you that this season of my life ended like a Rocky movie.  That I dug down deep inside of myself and whooped her ass and took my spot back on the team.  Or that I powered through and got some sweet revenge and made her look like an idiot.  The truth is, I didn’t.

I played my junior year on the varsity team with the girl I hated, and a new coaching staff because our high school’s varsity head coach quit.  The new coaches knew nothing about this situation I felt I had been robbed of, and quite frankly, they didn’t care.  They played who they thought should play and that was it.  We had an overwhelmingly losing season that was just as depressing as the way my insides felt, and I rode the bench.  I didn’t get to play because I wasn’t on the varsity roster from the year before which is what these new coaches went off of.  No one cared that I was the highest scoring player on my team from my sophomore year and no one cared I got MVP of the season.  It killed me.  My passion was gone.  The little pilot light of hope inside of me that I barely had burning got snuffed out.  The hurt reached such dark corners of my soul that I began to hate the game.

My senior year rolled around.  The pinnacle of all dreams of student athletes as their year to shine.  Their year to possibly be scouted for college.  Their year to leave it all out on the floor for their team and their school.  All of the anticipations of my childhood getting wrapped up into one final shot to make it count and live in the glory of going out on top.  All of those years of hard work and dreams were on the line.

And I quit.  I walked up to my coach, the new coach who had only known me for a season.  I caught her before classes began one morning in the main hallway of my school and blurted out the statement, “Hey coach, I just wanted to let you know I’ve decided not to play this year.”

Her response?  “Ok good luck to you.”

That was it?  Good luck to you?  I’m not sure what I expected her response to be, but it sure wasn’t that.  She didn’t even ask me why.  She didn’t even try to have one of those “coachy” pep-talks with me.  I told her I was leaving and she just let me go.

I remember walking down the hallway with those words hanging over my head and feeling a lump well up in my throat because I knew it was over.  It was really over.  I let my childhood dream die.

There were months after I quit where I experienced moments that still brought me to my knees when I least expected it.  Being known as an athlete all my life and not dressing out for game days when the rest of the team did hit me like a ton of bricks.  I can still picture where I was in my high school gym when I attended the game that happened to be senior night.  I was standing in the bleachers with my friends (which was so not like me because I was usually on the court) and watched all of the seniors get escorted out by their parents, recognized, and handed roses.  Still, the hatred I had for that girl seethed out of me in those moments because I was watching her get recognition for something that should have been mine.  I read articles in the paper about the weekend recaps of all the high school games, and my name wasn’t in there.  I felt sick when I realized someone else wore my number.

These memories are painful.  And I get emotional just writing this because it’s the first time in 10 years I’ve actually gone back and re-lived some of these moments in such detail.  No amount of wishing can ever allow me to get those decisions back, and if I let myself go back to that place too far, the weight of regret swallows me like a wave.

I can’t change the past.  And Lord knows sometimes I wish I could.  But since I can’t, I have to be able to use my past as a catalyst to impact my future.  The whole point of me sharing this personal struggle is because someone else reading this has a past regret they wish they had handled differently, or a current struggle they don’t know how to get out of. There might be some magical formula out there with a step-by-step process of how to make better decisions.  I’m sure there’s an entire book being published right now on how to push through obstacles in your life.  You may even be having conversations with those you love right now about feeling like giving up, feeling stuck, or not knowing a way out of your circumstances.  I’ll tell you in the simplest form right now of why I let my dream slip away and my passion die.  I’ll tell you what I learned from it and how I won’t make these mistakes in the future.  It comes down to one principle…

I didn’t have enough grit.  The question you need to be asking yourself is this moment is, “Where’s My Grit?”

Grit.  What is grit?  Grit is defined as one of two things:  1.  small, loose particles of stone or sand.  2.  Courage and resolve; strength of character.

Have you ever heard anyone say the phrase “the world is your oyster?”  Have you ever stopped to consider what that means?  If you haven’t, think about an oyster and what it does.  Besides existing in the sea, the oyster takes grains of sand (grit) from the ocean, and over time, creates a beautiful pearl.

What is the thing in your life that is bringing you down?  What’s the circumstance that is making your soul ache right now that you wish you could avoid?  What is that situation from your past that makes you feel like you failed?

Whatever it is, use it to start producing a pearl in your life.  Nothing you go through is in vain.  We can use circumstances in our lives as a way to play the victim role and become a martyr.  We can use resistance  we experience in our lives as an excuse to lay down and retreat.  We can ultimately allow painful things to keep us stuck in a gloomy fog that transcends all of our future experiences.

The truth is, everything I wrote about in my experience of having a dream die was real and one of the most painful experiences of my life.  I had no control over what was going to happen to me as far as my circumstances changing.  I couldn’t control this girl moving to my state, to my school, to my grade, and to my basketball team.  I couldn’t control her hatefulness towards me.  I couldn’t control my new coaches and their plans for who they wanted to play.

But I had complete control over me.  In a time that felt so out of control, I had more power than I gave myself credit for.  I had more strength that I could have tapped into if I tried.  I had more confidence than I ever dreamed I could possibly hold if I only believed it.  But the problem was, I didn’t believe I was worth it.  I didn’t believe I could overcome this, so I didn’t.  Instead of letting all the thoughts of rage, hate, insecurity, hurt, doubt, and bitterness consume me, I could have used this challenge as a way to focus deeper on my abilities as an athlete.  Run faster, train harder, shoot more shots, study my plays until I had each one memorized, and work so hard on being a better me that nothing else got in the way.

If I ever do a doctoral program where I have to write a thesis and prove a dissertation, it will be on the factors of resiliency.  I really don’t know what makes someone resilient and someone else passive.  I don’t know how you instill resiliency in someone who doesn’t want to get better.  As a counselor, that is so frustrating because sometimes, people just don’t want to do what they need to do to get better.  I don’t know how to get that point across for someone else.  I can speak for me though, and tell you that once you decide you want something, and you’ve had enough suffering, nothing else stands in the way of what you want.

Make the decision today that you’re done making excuses.  Decide today that you’re worth fighting for and no one else can stand in your way of what you want.  Don’t take no for an answer and keep pushing forward for whatever goal you have.  BELIVE in yourself and don’t take push backs from anyone.  It might be an exercise goal, diet goal, career goal, relationship goal, or traveling goal.  It doesn’t matter what the goal is, just do it.

I’ve gone to the gym for years and in the past few years, I’ve started participating in group fitness classes.  They are really hard and they don’t ever seem to get easier even when I am consistent in attending.  Somedays I hate them.  Some days I don’t want to show up.  Some days my workouts just suck.  But when it’s really hard to do one more push up, one more squat, one more burpee, one more tuck jump, one more jumping jack, one more lunge, I make the decision to keep going.

The biggest hurdle you will ever have in your whole life is the one in your mind.  Oh, the things you could accomplish if you only told yourself in your mind you could do it.  And not just telling yourself you can do it when you feel good.  Telling yourself you can push through something when you’re broken, tired, overwhelmed, or about to give up is when it truly matters.  I don’t really believe the statement that “you can do anything you set your mind to” because I’ll never be 7 feet tall with the ability to play in the NBA even if that was my biggest dream.  But when it comes to strength of character, believing that I’m worth having what I work for, and never letting the evil people in the world get me down, that’s something I can hang my hat on.

I don’t hate that girl who moved to my school and took my spot on the basketball team anymore.  I don’t allow her to make me bitter or fuel my heart and memories with regret.  The truth is, I was a 15 year old kid who was blindsided with an unimaginable situation, and I did the best I could at that time with the tools I had.  Sure, I wish I had the crown of glory, the MVP status, the varsity letters, and school record stats that would have retired my jersey in the high school gym.  But it didn’t happen that way.

I learned a much more valuable lesson that impacted my future for the rest of my life.  I’ll never let anyone else determine my worth and value.  I’ll never let circumstances rattle me like that again to the point of defeat.  I’ll be much more aware of my own inner strength and determination to fight for what is mine in this world, and not be afraid to speak up for what I want.  Ultimately, I will continue to tap into my own personal grit that I found through heartache and loss to fuel me to overcome the next circumstances in life I can’t see coming yet.  I hope you will too.

Be blessed,

Maggie

Make Room For Silence

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at my house with the TV on, my dishwasher running, the washing machine going, the dryer going, and also had my phone in my hand scrolling through what I like to call “mind-numbing activity.”  Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, my banking app, Facebook again, Candy Crush, back to Snapchat, etc.  Now, let me paint you a picture of what my house looks like so you can get a better idea of how over stimulating this situation actually was.  I don’t live in a giant house with two stories and lots of space to spread out.  I live in a 1,500 square foot home (which I love) with an open floor plan all on one level.  Sooooo, my kitchen and living room are separated by a counter top bar, and there’s about 15 feet between my living room and my hallway (which is where the washer and dryer sit inside the first door on your right).  That’s A LOT of noise in one little space. All competing for my attention.  All churning, guzzling, spinning, playing commercials, laughing tracks, and whatever else might come out of all those appliances.  And the most amazing piece of it all is that I was sitting in the middle of everything swirling around me, and I had some how managed to tune out everything.  I’m not really sure in that moment what snapped me back into reality, but when I realized there was so much commotion surrounding me and I was numb to it, I immediately became sad.  Disturbed really.  How had I managed to sit amongst chaos for, I don’t know, maybe hours, and not get overwhelmed or overstimulated?  I began thinking, “Is this normal for me?”  “How often do I do this?”  “How often am I unaware of how plugged in I am all the time?”  Then the ultimate question came across my mind which was , “When was the last time I was completely silent?”

Now, I don’t mean silent as in just not talking.  The question really, in its entirety, was more about when was the last time I was just still.  No music.  No phone.  No computer.  No texting.  No checking social media to see what everyone else is doing.  When was the last time I purposefully, intentionally made it a priority to not be consumed with noise? Sure, I make time daily (in short spurts) to be still or silent, but it’s not long lasting.  I may have silence while in the car if the radio isn’t on.  Or during my prayer/devotional time.  I’m the first one up in my house so usually I have quiet time in the shower or while I’m getting ready, but usually my thoughts at that time are consumed with the upcoming pace of the day.  Obligations.  To-do lists.  Appointments.  And in between the hair dryer, checking my weather app, answering texts sometimes before 7am, and racing out the door to get to work on time, I’m not even giving a thought to being still.  The reality is, I know I’m not the only one.  Our whole planet is running at this pace.  And it’s heartbreaking.

I’m tired.  The world is tired.  Look at us.  We fuss and fight and put our opinions on social media and de-friend people for disagreeing with us and shoot others who wrong us and at some point, we all became continuously connected and over plugged in with this insatiable desire to keep up the pace.  Well, I’m there.  I’m exhausted and worn out.  And most of all?  Overstimulated.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I’m one of the last generations that existed before you could carry a computer around in your pocket to have access to the world in seconds.  I’m the last generation where it was rude to call someone’s house after 9pm (8 was pushing it) because the one house phone that connected the entire family would ring and possibly disturb precious family time or someone sleeping.  I’m the last generation that grew up where shows that aired on primetime TV were considered family oriented if they were before 9pm.  I’m the last generation who was told it was inappropriate to talk about your political views with people you didn’t know.  I’m the last generation that knew what it was like to have to wait for my favorite band’s album to come out and have to go to the store to buy it! I’m also a part of the last generation that took pictures on film in a camera, and had to wait for the prints to develop in a lab and pray that all turned out halfway decent.  Now people call each other or text each other at anytime of night, you can watch and hear obscene things on television at all hours of the day, post your political view with the click of a button, download your favorite song from your couch, and take 17 selfies until the picture comes out just how you want it.  So instant.  So permeating.  So invasive.

What is all this noise doing to us?  What are all these distractions hindering?  What is the continual outlet we’re plugged into doing to us?  I can’t speak for the world, but I can speak for me.  And for me?  Well, I believe it’s slowly killing me.  When I think back to my childhood, it was filled with play, make-believe, being outside in the dogwood trees in my yard, playing on my swing set, shooting the basketball in my driveway until dark set in and I couldn’t see anymore.  Some of my favorite memories involved my childhood friend who lived across the street.  We had matching Looney Toons leather backpacks that we would strap on and ride our bikes up and down the street.  We would play Babysitter’s Club and go from the tree in my front yard to the tree in her front yard that we could climb in and “make food in the kitchen” or “put our dolls to sleep in their bedrooms.”  All of this free from technology.  Free from noise.  Free from the interruption of a screen, a notification, or someone else’s opinion.

My husband and I recently watched season 1 of Stranger Things on Netflix.  It’s a sci-fy thriller set in 1983, and it’s glorious.  I’ve never been much into science fiction, but the set design, wardrobe, music, and all of the wonderful things from the 1980’s is what drew me into the show and made my childhood come to life!  And the best part?  The characters in this show don’t have the luxury of using a cell phone, playing on a portable game system, or any sort of instant connection to the world at their finger tips.  It was quite beautiful to watch and made me miss those times.  It also made me realize how jacked up our society is and how maddening it is to try to resist the culture that pushes instant satisfaction and instant connection.  I hate it.  And when I started to realize how much these stupid phones, news feeds, opinions, and ultimately noise in general impacts my daily life (and yours), it really took a toll.

Think about this:  When was the last time you sat on your porch without distraction to listen to the June bugs or the crickets in the night time air instead of tuning into your nightly Netflix binge?  When was the last time you worked out and didn’t take your phone with you on the treadmill or into your workout class so you could make sure you don’t miss a text or call?  When was the last time you looked at your spouse with awe and wonder, and just took in their daily habits and routines without the distraction of some kind of screen in front of your face?  When was the last time you left your phone alone even when you heard it ringing or a notification pop up?  When was the last time you ate a meal with someone without pulling your phone out once?  I’m guilty of every single one of these examples.  Not being present in the moment.  Not enjoying the richness of life in front of me.  Not giving someone my full attention.  I’m being overrun with noise.  Am I the only one who finds this deplorable?  WHY ARE WE SO NUMB TO THIS MADNESS THAT IS MAKING US ROBOTS?  I’m living a real-life zombie apocalypse every day and it’s not because people are walking around with flesh-eating bacteria.  It’s because I’m attempting to make interactions with people who are not interested in that anymore so I might as well be walking on a dead planet.  How do I fix this?  How do we fix this?

I’ve decided to start going against the grain and doing something about this problem.  Here are some personal choices I will be making from now on, and I hope you join me:

Being intentional with some form of quiet time everyday.

This will be difficult, but possible.  I think about how much I make sure my phone is with me all of the time.  Even if I’m not checking it, I want to know it’s there “in case of an emergency.”  Well believe it or not, there was a time in my life prior to a smart phone, and prior to a cell phone in general, that I survived without a phone.  I remember it actually being a difficult habit to form to make sure I took my cell phone with me when I first got one.  And it was just a phone.  An old green screen phone with no texting capabilities.  I love to tell kids about my first cell phone and they look at me like I have 3 heads!!  If I’m home on a lunch break, I don’t need to look at my phone while I’m eating.  If I’m waiting in line, I don’t need my phone to entertain me.  If I’m sitting at a red light, I don’t need to check my phone.  You don’t need to either.

Turn my phone on airplane mode

This can be especially helpful when I’m trying to complete a task without interruption.  Sadly, we live in a world today where we constantly have to worry about our safety or the possibility of someone harming us for no reason.  I like having the safety of my phone around me should I ever be in trouble, but if I turn it on airplane mode, I won’t be tempted to check for notifications…because I won’t get them!  I would challenge anyone who reads this blog to put their phone on airplane mode when at the movies.  When out to eat with friends or family.  Even when watching tv so you aren’t distracted by extraneous information.  I laughed hysterically the other day because I was watching the evening news (while also playing on my phone) and the meteorologist said in his live broadcast, “Now put down your phones and pay attention because this report is important.”  I was stunned because he was talking directly to me!!  The reality is, someone will leave a message if a call is important.  If someone text’s me and it’s an emergency, they will find a way to reach me if they really need to.  Leaving your phone on airplane mode for a while might be a total vacation you didn’t know you needed.  Try it!  I’m going to.

Leave my phone charging in another room

I’m guilty of wanting to have my phone charging where I can see it.  That way I’ll be sure not to miss anything.  But really what am I missing if it’s charging?  Someone’s Snapchat?  Someone’s ridiculous political rant on Facebook that’s so inappropriate it makes me want to scream?  Someone’s picture of their food they want everyone to see?  I’m not hating because you can scroll through my Instagram feed and see plenty of food.  Let’s give ourselves a gut check here.  If following other people’s lives is so important, and it can be for me because I like to feel connected to my family since they live far away, the feed will still be there when your phone finishes charging and you come back to it later.

Stop trying to document everything

I love Snapchat.  I really do.  The hilarious filters you can make with it are fantastic.  My personal favorite is the unicorn that spews the rainbow out of it’s mouth because it makes you look so crazy and some days that’s exactly how I feel.  Or I love the one with the glasses and braces because, let’s be honest, that’s exactly what I looked like as a child.  Metal mouth and four eyes was all up in my childhood so I had a good 6-8 years of being a total walking nerd.  But sometimes I’m so overstimulated by Snapchat I just want to delete it.  I love having a bird’s eye view into other people’s lives who I consider friends, but as an introvert at heart, sometimes it drains me to watch a continual feed of people’s daily doings.  And think about it.  If you’re Snapchatting your whole day, how present are you in the moment for anything you’re doing?  Put the phone down.  Look into your significant other’s eyes, your friend’s eyes, your family’s eyes, and enjoy them.  All of them.  Does anyone really care about what restaurant we are at?  Who we are with?  What workout we’re doing?  Again, I’m guilty of all of these things and I love to document certain situations.  But as a whole, leave the phone and be in the moment.

Embrace something new

I think back to the days before hand held technology was all around us.  I think about how I used to spend my time.  The reason I play guitar today is because I taught myself how to play with an old beat up pawn shop guitar, a chord book, and the silence of my bedroom.  I sat for hours training myself and learning to love music in new and different ways.  I used to wake up and lay in my room just enjoying the morning sun, and the quietness of the house.  I used to make things like button bracelets, go for runs with an ipod and not be disturbed because my music wasn’t on my phone.  Think of how much time we waste in a day when we make room for spending time on our phones rather than doing something else we love.  I’m not a lazy person, but my phone tends to make me more lazy than I should be.  If you can count up the number of times you check your phone, put off household chores because your want more screen time, or put off exploring new hobbies because it’s easier to lose 30 minutes to an hour on social media, you’re losing time to find new likes and interests.  If there is something in your life you want to learn how to do, personally, such as painting, drawing, learning a new instrument, making work outs a better priority, get off your phone and get up and do those things.  What do we gain intellectually, personally, or spiritually by scrolling through new feeds and noise that other people put out into the world?  If it doesn’t help you grow, stretch, strengthen yourself, or inspire you, embrace something new that will.

Most of us have become victims of societal gains and agendas.  Most of us walk around like programmed dummies because all of this smart technology has made us dull and boring.  People, including myself, walk around with phones in our faces or sit with tablets on our laps because it’s convenient and easy to disengage from those around us and satisfy our inner longings of being connected to some form of relationship that is completely false.  If we are constantly connected then we are never alone, right?  Wrong.  The more we stay connected to screens and devices, the more we lose our ability to self-sooth and foster real, authentic relationships.  Think about this: if you’re constantly connected to a news feed, public opinion, someone’s picture of their life they want you to see, how much room are you allowing in your life for personal growth and discovery?  You’re not.  You’re too focused on everyone else’s world and what they’re doing, so how can you be pouring into your own life?  Of course there is a balance.  But the longer I live, the more I realize how out of balanced our world is becoming and how much we need a shift in how we do things.

One of the hardest things to achieve in life is acceptance of self and being ok with who you are.  Andrew Maslow is the author of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs where he created a pyramid to show the process of human motivation.  I use it frequently with my clients to discuss how they can move away from the issues they’re having, to where they want to be in life, and what that process takes.  The top of the pyramid shows Self Actualization, where essentially you arrive at the peak of who you are in life.  The catch?  None of us should truly ever get there because, in theory, we should all be evolving and growing until the day we die.  In order to work towards that place, we’ve got to be comfortable without constant stimulation.  We have to accept that sometimes there will be a void in activity, and it’s ok to be still.  We have to come to terms with things in our lives that we don’t like about ourselves, and put the phone down in order to explore that.  We have to make room in the places in our hearts that so desperately need human connection, and not fill those spaces with competing, boring junk.  In order to be whoever it is you truly want to be, you’ve got to make room for silence.  Won’t you join me?

-Maggie

Don’t Dig Up Doubt Where You’ve Planted Faith

Recently, I feel like there has been a pervasive message in my life that God has been trying to make very clear to me.  Not necessarily because I’m being stubborn or resistant about receiving the message of this particular issue, but maybe because I have needed the gentle reminder that my God is near to me.  I feel like God pushes things up in my face sometimes to make sure I don’t miss certain “ah ha” moments that are important.  I was driving down the road a couple of months ago, and I saw this church marquee that had the small, poignant phrase, “Don’t Dig Up Doubt Where You’ve Planted Faith.”  “Duh!” I thought as I continued driving away.  “That would be a tragic thing to do,” I thought.  But something about that phrase stuck with me as the day passed on.  Easy to say, but actually, difficult to do.

Shortly after I saw that sign, my pastor at church began preaching a sermon series entitled, “Unbelievable.”  This series touched on different topics which all related to how to live an unbelievable life.  One of these topics was about how to develop and have unbelievable faith in your life.  I heard the all familiar story of Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego preached that Sunday (refer to the book of Daniel if you are unfamiliar with this story) and their unbelievable faith in God that saved them when they were thrown into a fire.  Not only did they survive, but God stood with them IN the fire so that they could walk out, untouched and unscathed to show that their faith was real and their God delivered his promises of protection. Talk about some crazy faith!  If someone threatened to throw me in the fire to test my faith, I can tell you right now I’d start running.  After that sermon, my wheels began turning.  Do I honestly and truly believe that my God will stand in the fire with me in the trials of life?  I mean, I think I do.  And I claim that I do.  But when the rubber meets the road, is that true?  He did it for Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego so surely he would for me too, right?

Since the time that I saw that church sign and heard the Unbelievable Faith sermon, I’ve seen and heard many things that have tested, stretched, and strengthened my faith.  I witnessed a dear friend of mine from high school blog about her experience of bearing a child with a neural tube defect who was born to die.  She was very transparent throughout her whole pregnancy about knowing her son would only live for a brief time, and the entire time she praised God through the joy and the sorrow.  She got 7 precious hours with her son post birth before he went to be with Jesus.  The whole time I grieved with her  and her family, but asked, “God, why?”  Another friend of mine is also pregnant and so far everything is great.  My response, “God you are faithful.”  I have heard of doctors reports of friends and family members that are great and not so great.  I just recently got my licensure certification in counseling that I’ve worked so hard for and praised God for his faithfulness in getting me through to this milestone.  So many praises throughout these last few months, but sometimes there were so many questions, too.

Blake and I recently started watching The Bible on Netflix and with each passing episode, I’m more in awe of these stories I’ve heard of a thousand times, but get to watch in succession and actually SEE what these people went through.  The very first episode depicts Abraham about to sacrifice (kill) his son, Issac, to prove his faith in God.  This story has been told to me more times than I can count, but the visual I SAW brought me to tears.  Who could have such faith in God to be willing to sacrifice their own child?  Could I have had that faith during that time in history?  I’m not sure that I could.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t based on the smallest things I freak out over now.  Just a couple of weeks ago, Blake was supposed to be minutes behind me in getting home, and when he didn’t show up right away, I immediately started playing the panic game.  I thought, “He must have been in a car accident and now he’s obviously dead!!”  After a quick text, I found out he stopped at the gas station.  I’m such a wimp.

Everyone has big faith at times when life is going great, little faith when things aren’t working out, and sometimes no faith when things seem hopeless.  Our faith can ebb and flow based on circumstances in our lives, but how do we get long lasting faith that isn’t shaken when our circumstances change?  I know based on my personal circumstances and watching the circumstances of those around me that our faith can change in an instant like the changing of the wind.  Especially when big things happen like a loved one dying, loss of a job, financial hardship, relationships ending, seemingly unending addictions, mental health issues, or maybe just a constant closing door on a dream you’re are trying to chase.  Whatever makes your faith shaky at times, I would encourage you to ask yourself these questions if you want your faith to grow stronger.

1.  What are you putting your faith in?

It’s so easy for us to put our faith in temporarily satisfying things.  I do it all the time.  My job.  My marriage.  My family.  My friends.  My possessions.  All of these things will let me down eventually if I hang my hat solely on them.  My job isn’t always a smooth ride.  My husband isn’t perfect (sorry honey)!  My family and friends can’t always fulfill my needs.  And my possessions are objects that may give me security for the moment, but they are fleeting with little value.  Most times when our faith becomes rocky, we need to re-evaluate what we are building it on.  Isaiah 40: 29-31 says, “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.  Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.  But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  The will walk and not grow faint.”  Our God is full of promises that he will sustain us even when everything else falls apart or gets stripped away.  If you are putting your faith in something that gives temporary security, you’ll find yourself continuing to struggle with grasping for control.  Why not put your faith in an everlasting God who will walk through fire with you just like he did with Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego?  And not only will he walk with you through the fire, he’ll deliver you from it unharmed.  Often times we lose site of the end result when we get caught in the fire.  We focus too much on the flame, the burn, the hurt, and the mess we don’t think we can get out of.  If we continue to see God’s truth, our faith will become unshakable.

2.  Who are you accountable to?

Accountability.  What a loved and hated word.  The only time people love this word is when they’re seeking accountability from someone else.  For example, people making New Year’s Resolutions are all about accountability at the beginning of the year.  Whether it be a gym routine, diet plan, or development of other healthy habits, we all look for help when WE are seeking change.  What really sucks is when someone else attempts to hold us accountable when we don’t want it.  It hurts when we get called out for behaviors that aren’t healthy, or when we get questioned about what we are doing.  So the question I would encourage you to ask yourself when things seem in disarray would be, “Who are you seeking answers from when your faith is on rocky ground?”  It’s easy to panic first and then ask for help later.  In addition to seeking answers from God, who are you seeking answers from in your circle of people?  Ephesians 4:25 says, ” Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each other of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of the other.”  If you’re seeking answers about decisions in your life or where your next step should be, the people you run to for answers is so critical.  It’s easy for us to run to the people who will give us the easy answers that we want to hear…(“Just think about yourself!” “Do what you’ve got to do.”)  When our faith is shaky and all we want to do is run, the easy way out seems very appealing.  But the real challenge comes in when we seek answers from those who will tell us like it is and push us past our comfort zones to help us make the RIGHT decisions (not just the easy ones.)  Hebrews 10:25 says, “And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encouraged one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.”  If you don’t have a group of people that you run to when your world is falling apart that will help get you back on track, find them.  Do whatever it takes to get connected to people who will point you on the right path, even if it is uncomfortable.  If you don’t have those people, and you aren’t willing to be transparent in times where it’s good to be held accountable, you’ll spend a life time of spinning your wheels because you’ll miss God’s biggest blessings for your life.  Get out of your comfort zone and get held accountable.

3.  Have you prayed about it?

Mark 11:24 says, ” Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”  Simple enough, right?  Wrong.  If I asked for everything I wanted and believed I would receive it, I would have a mansion at the beach, a Range Rover, a closet full of endless clothes, new shoes every day, a maid to clean my house and cook my dinner, a private jet, etc. (can you tell I dream big??).  What God is saying here is that He isn’t going to give us whatever we want whenever we want it.  He’s not a genie in a bottle that grants our wishes.  Instead, He wants us to communicate with Him and seek His guidance that will ultimately reveal the desires in our hearts which will align with His plans for our lives.  If our faith is weak, and we confess to God that we are struggling and ask for His guidance, eventually He will reveal what it is we are supposed to do and where it is we are supposed to go.  God knows our steps along the way even when we can’t see ahead.  Trusting in God and believing Him for his blessings only strengthens our faith and leads us to the answers we were seeking all along.

4.  Do you need to readjust your sails?

One of my favorite verses that I quote all of the time is Jeremiah 29:11 which says, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”  I have always loved this verse because it takes the pressure off of me to “have it all figured out.”  I’m the queen worrier when the life plan gets shaky.  Ask anyone and I have my life plan etched in stone at least 10 years out.  Every now and then I even let God in on that plan (LOL).   But in actuality, I never have control, I’m never in charge, and I sure as heck don’t ever have it all figured out (even when I think I do).  God states in his word that His plans for me are GOOD and they are never for DISASTER!  How awesome is that?!  The only time disaster happens and the train goes off the tracks is when I attempt to take control, I don’t pray about my circumstances, and I reject the accountability of those around me who are trying to say, “Maggie?  Pump the breaks, sister.  Quit living up in your head!”  Even with all the faith in God, the prayer, and the accountability, sometimes God will ask us to adjust the plan.  I feel like for me, I go to God a lot asking for something rather than being thankful for what I have.  And most times when I fight hard for something that I feel like HAS to be the plan, God softly whispers, “Be still and know that I am God.”  When we are open to receiving, we sometimes learn that God’s gentle resistance of our plans is a way for Him to get us to readjust our course.  It may not mean “no” forever, but it might mean He’s pointing us to something even better.  A shaky faith doesn’t mean it’s a formula for a disaster coming our way.  It might just mean it allows us to pursue other options that open us up to greater blessings.

I started writing this particular blog over a month ago, and had it on my mind for at least a month or two before even starting it.  I kept leaving it in draft mode and finding excuses not to finish it.  I am just now finishing it a month later, and it couldn’t have come at a greater time.  My faith has been tested so much this past week, and I don’t think it’s coincidence that I felt led to finish writing this during a time of personal shaky faith.  What I continue to learn daily is that my God is good.  He is near, and He wants only the best for my life.  Even in times where I put my faith in other things that give temporary satisfaction, I am always pointed back to the One who reminds me that His ways are always higher and greater than mine.  Whatever it is you are struggling with today (because we’ve all got struggles), know that you don’t have to have it all figured out.  Don’t dig up doubt where you’ve planted faith.  And if you feel like you’ve hit a wall and don’t know where to turn, re-evaluate what you place your faith in, pray about it, ask guidance from others (who are objective and real with you even when it’s hard), and be willing to adjust your sails if you keep coming up to a closed door.  God won’t leave you out to dry.  He only requires the faith of a mustard seed (which is incredibly tiny) to trust Him.  Are you willing to give Him that faith today?

Whose Body Is This? (To The Tune of What Child Is This?)

“Whose body is this I see in the mirror?

It can’t be mine, but it is I fear.

All honeymoon food and holiday treats

Are weighing me down, but I must not admit defeat.”

Okay, okay, that is a cheesy little rendition of a famous Christmas carol, but it’s totally how I’ve been feeling lately. I really didn’t think this whole “getting married right before the holidays thing” all the way through because I went from over-indulging on my honeymoon straight into holiday festivities, parties, and lots of food!

I have a confession to make…I ate French toast 7 days in a row on my honeymoon. 7 DAYS IN A ROW!! Along with the all you can eat bacon, hash browns, sausage, omelets, fruit, drinks, pizza, snacks, wings, steak, fried food, etc. You name it, I ate it. I absolutely took advantage of the “all inclusive” perks we paid for at our resort. I wasn’t even hungry, and I ate because I could. And it was delicious! However, coming home and back to reality was much harder than I thought. I went from going to the gym 4-5 days a week and eating really healthy prior to my wedding, to organizing my house, learning how to cook, spending more time with my husband, spending more time with friends again, and relaxing because I was finally free from 9 months of wedding planning. I took 6 weeks off from the gym and I totally felt like a slug! I stopped my routine and I definitely felt the effects. And how is it that I spent 9 hard months sculpting and shaping my body, and then within 6 weeks I felt like a sumo wrestler?! I know that is a bit of an exaggeration, but at times I really felt like that!

Well, I’ve done some soul searching and readjusting in the last (almost) 3 months since I’ve been married, and I wanted to share 5 key points with anyone else who is struggling with the idea of balance this Christmas season.

1. My Body Is Going To Change

I am almost 30 years old and my body has had a lot of transitions up until now. I’ve gone from being a little girl, to a teenager, to a young adult, and now a young woman. I can’t expect my body to be like it was when I came to college, and that’s ok. I used to want to stay pencil thin because I thought that was the ultimate way to look your best. As I’ve matured, I’ve realized I like having an adult body, and I like my features that make me, me. I haven’t always been able to say that, but I think the older I’ve become, the more at peace I’ve become with myself. Victoria Secret models aren’t a picture of real life, and they definitely don’t even look like their airbrushed pictures in the magazines either. My body today makes me feel like a REAL woman and I know my husband likes to have a little something to hold onto :-).  My body won’t stop changing either as I continue to age. As soon as I adjust to my “young adult body” I will hopefully have children. Lord knows I’m afraid for that bodily transition, but just as I’ve navigated my changing body up until now, I’ll find new ways to adapt to my “mom” body. And I will find new ways to love myself because I will have brought life into the world, and nothing is more powerful and wonderful than that.

2. My Routine Will Ebb and Flow With The Seasons of My Life

I worked hard to get “wedding ready” and I felt really confident and sexy on my wedding day. I put in the work required to stay healthy, and shape up. I put in long hours at the gym, said “no” to certain things to be able to make my fitness a priority, and tailored what I ate to be as healthy and fit as I could. I cut back (but didn’t totally cut out) breads, sweets, pastas, sugary drinks, fried food, etc. I had a goal in mind, and I set my mind to achieve it. I’m glad I pushed myself to achieve those goals, but that’s not the reality I want for the rest of my life. I want to be able to indulge occasionally on all of those things I cut way back on in my wedding diet. I love bread. Spaghetti is my favorite meal. I would eat chocolate cake every day if I could. And I do love a cold glass of sweet tea. I don’t want to miss out on the treats of life because I feel trapped in a fitness routine or a weight category. Those pressures only leave you feeling regimented, confined, and discouraged. I don’t have a wedding dress I’m specifically training to look my best in anymore, but I can still take care of myself and my body while enjoying fun meals and treats with my friends and family.

3. Moderation is Key

This isn’t just a food motto to live by, it’s a life motto. As I’ve tried to get back into a normal routine since returning from my honeymoon, I’ve found myself living in somewhat of extremes. We are all guilty of this. Think about it. How many of you have said, “Well, I already blew my breakfast on something terrible, so I’m just going to eat like crap for the rest of the day.” Or, “I haven’t worked out at all this week so I may as well just wait til next week.” Why do we do this to ourselves?! Why do we give ourselves the green light to sabotage ourselves?! I’m so guilty of this at times and it’s quite ridiculous thinking!! I broke myself of that habit very quickly after my honeymoon because it doesn’t serve me well. I struggled to get back into a regular gym routine and found myself downing myself for not being more dedicated. I found myself choosing to do other things besides working out and felt guilty for it. The truth is, I want to keep a healthy exercise routine and healthy diet, but I don’t want to miss out of other things in life either. If I make it to the gym 2-3 times a week verses 4-5, that’s ok. It’s not like the days I choose to work out don’t count because I didn’t go several more times that week. The days I choose not to go to the gym because an unexpected invite to go to a friend’s house came up, or I didn’t get my laundry done to have gym clothes because I chose to spend time with my husband, or I chose to rest instead, are all important things that make up my beautiful life. As long as I keep a goal to remain healthy, the rest is gravy.

4. Choose Something Good To Do For Yourself Each Day

One of my favorite questions I ask myself when figuring out what to do each day is, “What does my body need?” This is such a great question. How many of us can honestly say we listen to our bodies? It’s a hard thing to begin to create awareness of, but this simple question can really help you shape your day. One thing I teach to my clients often is the H.A.L.T phrase. HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. It’s kind of a self check that helps you ask yourself, what do I need? If I’m hungry, I’ll feed myself. If I’m angry, I need to figure out why and how to manage it. If I’m lonely, maybe I need some TLC or to call up a friend. If I’m tired, I should rest. Asking yourself what your body needs also helps take your emotions out of the equation. Emotional decisions don’t typically help you make the right choices. If I ask myself what my body needs verses what it wants, I’m probably going to treat it better. For example, if I had several days where I’ve eaten a bunch of junk, made poor choices for my diet, or haven’t worked out at all, I may need to ask myself, “What can I do to treat my body well?” Maybe it’s drinking more water. Maybe it’s eating the salad verses the cheeseburger. Maybe it’s skipping dessert because I ate all of my bite size candy bars in my office I’m supposed to give to my clients (no judgment please), or maybe I need to go for a walk, get to the gym, or do a work out video at home. There’s never a time like the present to start treating yourself well. There’s no need to wait until the New Year to make the resolution you won’t keep because your intentions are great but your follow through is poor. You can start today, in the middle of the day, or even right before you go to bed. After all, as a professional procrastinator, I have always loved the quote, “Why do something today that you can put off until tomorrow?” As true as that may feel, no one ever accomplished anything great by making excuses. Don’t wait. You’ll never regret doing something positive for yourself.

5. Your Body Is A Temple

One of my favorite verses in scripture comes from 1 Corinthians 6: 19-20. God says, “Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” I love this verse because it helps me remember to truly honor the body that I’ve been given. There are certainly times I do not, but any time I stray from treating myself well, this verse always resounds in my heart. I have the Holy Spirit living in me…the LIVING GOD! Why would I not want to honor him?? Just as you have highs and lows in your relationships with others, the relationship you have with your body will have its highs and lows too. God has fearfully and wonderfully made me (Psalm 139:14) and I want to take care of this body he gave me. I want to have a long, healthy life for as long as I get to walk this earth, and being conscious of treating it well will help me accomplish that.

The truth is, my body is not where it was the day I got married. But the other truth is, is that it’s not where it was when I got back from my honeymoon either. I put on some love pounds exploring Jamaica with the love of my life, eating decadent food that I’d never eaten before, and enjoying my time with him. I’ve cooked new recipes to broaden (or really begin) by cooking repertoire. I’ve shared meals with friends and family since being married that helped fill me up in other ways than just satisfying my hunger. And ultimately, I feel comfortable in my own skin again, even if it feels a little different. Have grace with yourself this holiday season and remember all of the blessings that you have, rather than focusing on areas of discomfort in your life. If your body isn’t where you want it to be, do something good for yourself. Honor the body you have because it’s the only one you’ll get. And get out of that “all or nothing thinking.” Nobody is going to drop 20 pounds in two weeks like those dumbass magazines tell you, you will. Cutting out all kinds of food isn’t the answer either because it will leave you feeling depressed and wanting the specific things you cut out. And during Christmas, eat the cookies and treats you want at the parties you go to or the ones that you cook for yourself at home. Just take an afternoon walk, go to the park (since it’s 70 degrees this December), or eat something else healthy throughout the day. This life is meant to be lived to the fullest experiencing all kinds of different, wonderful things. Make the choice today to live in balance and free yourself from any negative self-talk or consistent negative choices. Your best life is waiting for you. Go claim it.

When God Says No

Several years ago, someone once told me that “No” is a full sentence. I can’t remember where I learned this idea, but it was very intriguing to me when I stopped to think about it. It’s pretty powerful to know that two little letters placed together can have such a weight associated with them. It’s also pretty EMPOWERING to know that I can say “No” and that be enough. No explanation needed. No details given. No long-winded answer. No justification. Just “No.”

Of course, the understanding behind this concept is ideal for the person in control of this answer. There’s a sense of safety when choosing to say “No.” I get to be in control of my circumstances, my decisions, whom I interact with, how I spend my time, and a multitude of other things. I can say “No” just as easily as I can say “Yes,” and there’s a comfort and freedom in being able to express both answers on my terms. But that’s just it…MY terms. What happens when suddenly I’m thrown into someone else’s terms and I DON’T have the power to shield myself from someone else’s “No?” Then what?

Over the past year and a half, I’ve heard “Yes” more times than I can count. One might think from the outside looking in that everything is going perfectly in my life and everything is falling into place for me.  I met my husband, I started a new job, I got engaged, got married, bought a house, bought a car, watched friends and family get married, I get to watch my little nephew grow, I ran a ½ marathon, and the list goes on. I am completely and utterly amazed at how God has blessed me these past couple of years and I am beyond grateful and thankful for everything I have received. Some days I can’t believe that I get to live this beautiful life. But in the quiet spaces between all of these blessings, I still wrestle with the very harsh “No” that tends to rear its ugly head when I least expect it.

One specific “No” that rocked my world this year was when my husband’s company got bought out. 2 ½ months before we got married, we didn’t know what was going to happen with his career. I’d love to tell you that I was the great woman of faith I strive to be and completely trusted God during that whole process. I didn’t. Some days I let sheer panic consume me with questions of, “What if we lose our house we just bought?” “What if we default on loan payments?” “What if we lose everything we have because we can’t afford our bills?!” The biggest question at one point was, “God, how could you let this happen?” My little earthly mind couldn’t begin to process all of the reasons why this was happening to us right before we were about to build our life together, but God knew the whole time that we would be ok because we believed (and if I’m honest, sometimes very shallowly believed) in His faithfulness.

It wasn’t an easy transition, but my husband landed on his feet after we experienced several more “No’s,” several more closed doors, and a few dead end streets. Each time a direction we took came back void, I got more discouraged. But really what God was trying to teach us during that time is that He was directing our path to exactly where it should go. We know now that Blake ended up where he is because God knew he would be with an excellent company, and he would be successful, prosperous, and used to his full potential doing what he loves. We are thankful for that.

Another major “No” I experienced this year was the death of my precious grandmother. Gosh, what I gut-wrenching “No” that was. She was 95 years old, and I knew she had lived her life to its fullest. However, I needed her to live to be at least 115 years old or more because I had so much more life I wanted to experience with her. I am the second youngest grandchild out of 13 grandchildren, so my days with my grandmother were much more numbered than my older cousins who had up to 30-50 years with her. I was keenly aware from a very young age that my time with her was valuable and shouldn’t be taken for granted since she was already in her 70’s when I was old enough to understand the delicacy of time. The reason her death this “No” was so powerful is because she died 3 months before my wedding day and never got to meet my husband in person. I was devastated. I used to plead with God as a child to get her to each milestone of my life because I wanted so desperately to share each one with her. She had a tradition for each grandchild for when we turned 16 years old. She would have our portrait made and give us a sterling silver bracelet. It was a rite of passage in my family and I used to pray she would make it to that milestone in my life. After she made it to my 16^th birthday, I prayed she would make it to my high school graduation, college graduation, grad-school graduation, marriage, meeting my future children, etc. She made it to so many of those things, but sadly, not to all of them.

In the busyness of wedding planning, I tried not to dwell on her death too much. I tried to push forward and not focus so much on the empty chair that would be left at my wedding because she wouldn’t fill it. I tried not to think so much on the fact that she would never meet the man of my dreams face to face, and he would never get to hug her neck and experience the gem that she is in person. But it still hurt. I still cried a lot, and I still got angry at God’s “No.” Grief is a complex emotion that we can’t rush, can’t avoid, and can’t brush to the side, but having experienced grief in all of its facets helps me understand that it makes us stronger and makes us more appreciative of what we do have.

After working through some of that anger, hurt, and disappointment, God was able to teach me so many things. My grandmother wasn’t physically there on my wedding day, but her spirit was EVERYWHERE. Some of her favorite flowers were roses, and roses permeated my entire wedding ceremony. I planned for these flowers to be a part of my day long before she was gone, so that was a true blessing to have those there in remembrance of her that day. The weather was beautiful and reflected the breath-taking fall days I spent at her home in the mountains. The atmosphere was so soft, and it was as if she was whispering, “I’m here and I love you.”

Not only was her spirit so present in my ceremony, I also haven’t gone a day without thinking about her or all of things she’s told me over my life. When I’m having a bad day, I’m reminded of her positive outlook on life. When I don’t feel like doing something because I’m lazy, I remember she never took laziness as an option for herself. When I feel like complaining, I remember she always saw the best of every situation. I’ve also talked about her more than ever to those around me, which comforts me in knowing her spirit and legacy will continue to live on for as long as I choose to keep it alive.

As I think about these specific circumstances and many other tough “No’s” I’ve experienced recently (and some not so recently) in my life, I am reminded of Peter in the book of Matthew (14:22-33). Some may be all too familiar with this passage of Jesus walking on water. Essentially, Peter and his disciples are in a boat in a very strong storm. When Jesus approaches them, walking on water, they think it’s a ghost because they can’t believe it’s him. Once Jesus identifies himself, Peter says, “If it’s really you, Lord, tell me to walk out on the water towards you!” Jesus gives him the green light, but as soon as Peter goes to step out, he immediately jumps back into the boat because the wind and the waves are too strong.

Pause the story: How many of you reading this have asked God for specific instructions, and as soon as He gives it to you, you decide you know better and make a different decision?!? Insert me waving my hand right here… Peter thought as long as he knew it was Jesus, he would casually walk out on the water and everything would be fine. But as soon as the storm rocked the boat (pun intended), Peter’s little closed mind completely took his focus off of Jesus and gave into his own fear of dying. The cool thing about the end of this story is that Jesus never gave up on Peter and he didn’t leave him to drown. He rescued him and said, “You of little faith, why do you doubt me?”

I can be a child of little faith sometimes. More than I’d like to admit. I can quickly doubt all of God’s goodness with a quick strike of a challenge. But what this story has taught me is that, when God closes a door that I so desperately want to open, I should respect His discernment over my life. And sometimes what’s so frustrating is understanding the fundamentals of this concept, but still succumbing to the fear of my feeble mind when my plans are disrupted. I’ve been a child of faith for 15 years, so sometimes I remind myself I still have a lot of growing to do. A 15 year old child doesn’t always rationalize things the best way, so I’m pleased to know that God has enough grace for me to help me keep learning from each circumstance He brings me to and through.

When you face a “No” in your life, stop and think about Peter. Maybe God is trying to teach you something about patience, or redirect your course to something better for you. When we take matters into our own hands and try to force something to happen that’s not meant for us, stop and seek God. Maybe God is trying to get you out of your own boat that is your comfort zone. Had Peter never trusted God and, instead, given into his own fears, he would have drowned and never lived his life to the fullest. He would have never fulfilled the purpose God had for him.  But when Peter looked back at God and trusted him, the storm passed and he was able to move forward. I can look back on my life at too many times I stayed in the boat in the midst of a storm because I was too stubborn to trust the process. It’s not fun and it’s exhausting. Whatever “No” you’re facing today, realize it’s not the end of your journey. There’s more beyond the storm or the barricade. Lean into the nudge that is pushing you to make a change. Just get out of the boat.

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit Next To Me

“If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit Next To Me”

So it’s out there in the ether.  By now, if you’re reading this blog, you and everyone else who stays glued to their smart phones and up to the minute news sites know about the recent news stories that have broken in the past weeks including Caitlyn Jenner and the Duggar Sexual Abuse Scandal.  You’ve formed your opinions, read multiple articles, and quite frankly, are probably tired of hearing about it.  I know that I am kind of overwhelmed with these situations and feel like I want to go hide under a rock, turn off my iPhone, and pull away from the media for awhile.  However, the more I try to run from it, the more it keeps chasing me.  I just have this heavy burden on my heart to share what’s going through my mind, because of the multitude of responses I have seen come in about these issues. Honestly, I think the real reason I want to write on this subject, is not to force other people to believe the way that I do, not to give my deep personal convictions and beliefs about the subject, but to maybe create some “ah ha” moments for someone else who might be thinking a lot about this situation too.

I would like to start off by saying that when the news story broke about Caitlyn Jenner, I didn’t have an incredibly strong reaction one way or the other about it immediately. Chalk it up to the fact that Bruce Jenner has been transitioning for a while so it wasn’t a huge shock when he “came out.”  Or chalk it up to the fact that I work in a field where I address issues of all kinds every day so these types of things aren’t foreign to me or catch me off guard as it might someone else.  The real issue that got to me more than the breaking of the story, was the aftermath in which people began responding.  Call me naïve or ignorant, but I just couldn’t believe some of the things I saw people writing or saying about this man/woman.  As a matter of fact, as I sit here and process the unfolding of these events I’m more disheartened by watching the responses of others (strangers and people I know) pour in about these situations, than I am about the actual content of what I’ve witnessed about these stories.  I understand that people have their opinions, but anytime those opinions are used to condemn or defame someone’s name or character, that is when it really becomes bothersome to me.  What makes it worse in our current world is the accessibility we all have to make our opinions known to the masses with the click of a button.

I truly have a love-hate relationship with social media and the internet. I love it for all of its pros:  connecting with others, staying in contact with my family who live far away, quick access to information, encouragement from others, and ultimately, a way to share my life with others.  I hate social media for the cons:  the time it takes away from the present moment, the distance it creates in personal relationships, the never-ending stream of consciousness, and the overload of information (even when it’s not warranted.)  Our worlds have been condensed to the size of our phone screens, and so much life and death can exist within the palm of our hands.

Because of this information overload and unlimited access to everyone’s personal lives, our current society has developed an overwhelming loss of tact and regard for other people and their experiences. With the introduction of the internet, cyberspace, social media, etc, it’s as if people have forgotten what it’s like to hold their tongue and be respectful of other people’s thoughts, opinions, and decisions.  It’s become the norm to put people on blast from behind a computer screen where it doesn’t take much bravery to say nasty things through a keyboard.  I am in one of the last age groups in one of the last generations in this world that understands and remembers what it was like before technology took over our existence.  Yes, I had an email account.  Yes, I had an AOL screen name (if you’re reading this and don’t know what that is, you are too young).  Yes, I used technology in school to compliment my academic work.  However, there was nothing that I could take with me everywhere I went that I could hold in my hand that could instantly connect me to hundreds, thousands, millions of people in seconds.  Now I can see what someone ate for breakfast.  I can see who got a new job.  I can see who got married.  I can see who had a bad day. All of these things are all great and wonderful, but what happens when so much of what we see every day is hateful and unforgiving? And better yet, who is held responsible for the hateful comments, off colored jokes, and complete slander of another person when mass stories hit the news like this? Maybe no one is and that’s the problem.  Maybe that’s the cross someone has to bear when they sign up for life in the public eye.  Maybe that’s what our world has come to and we just have to accept what is.  Well that’s not good enough for me.

Most people that know me know that I am a Christian. I love Jesus and I attempt to live my life to serve Him daily.  I fall short.  I make mistakes.  I say things I shouldn’t.  I have the worst road rage on the planet.  My temper can get the best of me.  I’m stubborn.  The list goes on.  But what has become evident to me over the past several weeks is that, when God changed my life 14 years ago, He changed my heart.  Now when I say this, I mean He changed the way I look at this world and the way that I look at other people.  I have been completely dumbfounded at the things I have read online from my friend’s list on Facebook as well as articles claiming that people like Caitlyn Jenner are scum of the earth or are freaks of nature because of choices they have made in their lives.  I’m not going to get into the issue of my personal beliefs of transgendered individuals.  What I am saying here is, regardless of what these individuals have chosen to do with their lives or mistakes they have made, why is it so hard for others to look past the things that they’ve done or been labeled with, and treat them as a respectful human being?

We could sit here all day and debate the issue of what makes someone want to become transgendered. We could list off all of the possible reasons why Bruce decided to become Caitlyn.  He did it for fame.  He did it for attention.  He did it for money.  He did it because he’s mentally ill.  Does it really matter?  Let’s step back for a second and REALLY think about the reasons people want to transition genders:  They feel that they were born in the wrong body, and biologically, physically, mentally, they believe with every fiber of their being that they were meant to be the opposite gender.  Now I don’t know about you, but if all Bruce Jenner wanted was some attention, he could have run down the street naked in Hollywood and gotten a good story out of it.  He could have made another reality tv show deal with E network and made some money.  There are exponentially greater things that he could have done for attention, fame, and money other than going through the intense psychological transition of changing genders.  Just sayin.

If we step back for a minute and remember that this man/woman is a human being with thoughts, feelings, and emotions, we are able to understand that he is dealing with something profoundly difficult and has for most of his life. Heck the man is 60 years old and has wrestled with this from the time that he was a child.  I don’t know about you, but I pray to God I don’t carry a struggle like that for decades and feel like I don’t have anyone to turn to or a way to fix it.  One thing that I have repeatedly seen shared on Facebook is this picture of a soldier who has lost his legs, and it is paired with Caitlyn Jenner’s cover of Vanity Fair.  The soldier is in his uniform and wearing prosthetics legs that he has clearly lost in combat while Jenner is posing as a woman.  The caption reads:  This is the real definition of bravery and heroism (referring to the soldier), not this (referring to Jenner).  That is so discouraging to me.  First of all, you can’t compare the situations because they are drastically different.  However, no matter how you slice it, both people in that picture are brave.  One man went to serve his country with overwhelming support from America, and came back a changed person without limbs because of his experience.  The other is opening up about his personal struggle to THE WORLD and having to deal with the backlash of a society that wants to spit in his face and make him feel like an outcast. To me, stepping up is incredibly brave.  To put yourself on the chopping block of the world, and push forward with what you believe in because you feel it’s right is braver than I could imagine.  Nothing about that is cowardly to me.  Anytime you tell someone they aren’t courageous for getting out of their comfort zone and battling their issues because it doesn’t look like someone else’s journey, you leave them feeling inferior, alone, and as if their story doesn’t matter.

In addition to Caitlyn Jenner’s story, the way the world has responded to the Duggars has been equally discouraging. Let me be the first to say that I, in no way, condone anything Josh Duggar did to his family or anyone else.  I believe that he should be held accountable for breaking the law and committing an unthinkable act.  What has broken my heart almost as equally as his indiscretions is the way his family has been slandered.  I’m not surprised people have been so vocal about this situation because they are a Christian family with strong morals and beliefs.  This situation is a breeding ground for those who hate Christians, think we are hypocrites, or like being able to say “I told you so” about their story is too good to be true.

Let’s take the Christian piece out of the equation for a minute. Would people be so outraged about this if they were a non-believing family? Or even a family that believes in God but was less vocal about their faith?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that, regardless of whether you are a Christian or not, bad things happen in this world, and everyone makes mistakes.  Watching the world trash this family, especially the parents, has rocked me to the core because it has become very clear to me that it is 100 times easier to place blame on someone than it is to extend grace and mercy.  Anyone reading this blog, think back to your childhood.  Did you ever make a mistake that you were terrified for your parents to find out? Big or small, no one walked a perfect childhood and I will be the first to admit there were things I got away with as a kid that I would have been mortified had my parents found out.  My mistakes were in no way to the degree of what Josh Duggar kept secret, but regardless, my parents would have been disappointed in me.  I was a kid who made stupid choices, and it wasn’t’ because my parents were terrible parents.  I was raised right with correct boundaries, rules, and consequences for my poor behavior choices.  Josh Duggars’ parents are two individuals who have made their lives about raising a family rooted in Christ, and spreading the love of God throughout this world.  Just because their son made some terrible choices doesn’t reflect their parenting style, their love for their children, their relationship with God, or mean they are hypocrites.

I think any of us who have experienced letting our parents down at any given time would be heartbroken if the world had a bird’s eye view into our homes and cast their judgment and disdain onto our siblings and parents when they knew nothing about our situation. I don’t have the knowledge of being a parent yet because I don’t have children.  I pray that God blesses me with that gift in the future, and I pray that no matter what happens, my children will grow up to be successful individuals who love God with all their heart, mind, and soul.  Should they stumble along the way (which they will) I pray that I will have people around me to encourage me and support me.  Not cut me down or judge me based on the way I choose to parent and what my children choose to do.

The bottom line is we all do the best we can with the tools we have to navigate through this life. As I think about my response as a Christian to anyone who may make a mistake, or make a life choice that I don’t understand, I am reminded of the story of the prodigal son.  The story follows a son who is disobedient to his father and rebels against him to the point of “burning every bridge” between him and his father.  He runs away, blowing through all of the resources he has until he has nothing and his life is in shambles.  When he decides to make the journey back home, he is prepared for the backlash from his father about all of the horrible choices he has made.  Instead, his father welcomes him with open arms and does not shame him for his journey he had to take to make peace within himself.

My role as a Christian is to not shame anyone for their choices, but to listen openly and offer my support and encouragement to help them find peace and hope in their lives. So often I hear of fellow Christians stating that they have to confront people about their sin or read scripture from the street corner to get people’s attention.  That’s not true.  My pastor stated recently that being a witness isn’t about telling people what they should do with their lives and how they should live it.  Being a witness merely means you convey what you’ve seen and heard to other people.  For example, I have seen and heard how Jesus has worked in my life, and people who know me hear about that because it’s easy to explain.  My testimony and how I live my life daily is a reflection of my relationship with God, and other people who encounter me will see that.

As a counselor, my days are filled with individuals who come into my office, dispel information to me that they are ashamed of, cry out for help because they don’t know how to move forward in their lives, and genuinely need help and encouragement to make changes within themselves. They are in the midst of circumstances that I could never begin to understand.  I would be of no help to anyone if I took all of their information, shamed them for it, and continued to remind them that they aren’t worth anything because I don’t agree with their choices.  Judging other people doesn’t define them, it defines us.  Our judgments reveal our true character.  We all say things that can be hurtful, and I know I’ve said things unintentionally and intentionally in my life to hurt other people.  I can’t take those things back, but I can actively move forward to make better choices and meet people where they are.  Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t want to be preached to, she wants to be understood.  And meeting her where she is, is one step closer to helping her find peace and letting her see the love of God through you.

One of my favorite verses in the bible is Matthew 11:28: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.“ If the ultimate goal of Christianity is to live more like Jesus and reflect His love and light into this world, we have to start allowing people to see that they can find rest in Him through us.  Many people might call me “luke-warm” or “misguided” for how I view this situation.  I’m ok with that because I don’t believe for a second that it’s wrong for me to extend love and grace to individuals while still living my life the way God has called me to do.  The New Testament states that we are called to love God with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength, and to love our neighbors as ourselves.  Well, I can love God with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength, and love Caitlyn Jenner and the Duggar family as I love myself.

People often confuse the notion that they have to agree with someone, understand them, and believe the same way as someone else in order to respect them, care for them, and extend grace to them. That’s not true.  I don’t have to understand choices you make in order to respect you or have compassion for your circumstances.  I don’t have to agree with the path you take in order to speak life over you.  I don’t have to believe what you believe in order to extend grace and kindness to you or pray for you. This world grows more challenging to navigate everyday and there are more haters and “nay-sayers” nipping at my heels than I’d like to acknowledge.  During the midst of all that is happening in our nation, take this opportunity to speak life into others.  Try to reposition yourself to understand the deep hurt, pain, confusion, and doubt that these people are going through on a public level.  It’s not easy to have the world know your problems and Lord knows I couldn’t handle it.  Take a step back today and ask yourself, “How can I cast a light in a dark place?”  “How can I meet someone where they are even if I don’t believe in what they’re doing or agree with their choices?”  How can I reflect love to someone else?”  These are the callings I feel that God has placed on my heart.

I’ve always heard the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit next to me.”  Usually that is a sarcastic comment people say to encourage people to continue gossiping or saying ill things.  It’s a challenge to try to hold your tongue when there is juicy gossip going around and you don’t want to miss out.  As a woman, I know that struggle very well.  However, my hope after writing this blog, someone’s mindset is changed.  I hope that if someone doesn’t have anything nice to say, they remember these words and seek someone else to sit next to who they can speak life with.  Don’t be someone who adds to the degradation of our world. Be light and be love.