I’m Dropping Weight

It’s been 169 days since I wrote my last blog post.  That’s kind of embarrassing.  It may not be considered an embarrassment to other people, but it is for me mostly because I had a goal this year (2017) to be more dedicated to writing.  So far, this is only my second post of the year.  My original goal was to write 1 blog a month for the whole year, and I’m clearly not going to make that happen.

In my previous blog post (all the way back in March), I had mentioned that God had really laid it on my heart to write more this year.  To reach others through words.  To speak life into existence that others may need to hear.  To be more transparent because life change happens when we encourage others and are real with them.  But what do I have to show for it going into the 4th quarter of the year?  Not much.

I’m disappointed in myself for not being as dedicated as I know I could have been for the last 8 months.  It’s not like I haven’t had blog ideas ready to go at any time.  I keep a running list of “one line zingers” on my phone at any given time to help keep track of spontaneous ideas that could turn into writing opportunities.  It’s not like I haven’t had much time to sit down and write because I’ve had plenty.  The truth is, I don’t have any plausible excuses.  I just haven’t written.

What’s crazy though is that I’ve woken up every day this year with the stirring in my heart to write.  Not a day has gone by when I haven’t felt a tug to blog, or I haven’t heard God whisper in my ear, “write!”  I can’t even blame the fact that I haven’t blogged on forgetting my goal or it slipping my mind.  I’ve thought about it every day and have even incorporated it into my daily to-do lists.  For some reason, even when I would put it on a list, I would put other things over writing and it would just keep falling lower and lower to the bottom of my priorities.  Even after I wrote my last blog in March, I had great intentions of catching up to my original goal of writing one blog a month for the year.  But still I remained stagnant, and 169 days passed without any writing.

On Father’s Day this past June, my church started a new sermon series which is typical for how my church likes to focus their messages.  It was a 4 part series you can watch here if you’re interested:  Weights

Each part of the series focused on different spiritual weights in our lives, the good and the bad.  The first Sunday right out of the gate, my pastor, Steve Huskey, began talking about the weight of sin in our lives and what it does when we allow it to weigh us down.  Now, a lot of people in our modern churches don’t like to hear the word sin.  It tends to make people uncomfortable.  In fact, I don’t like to hear that word either.  It can make me feel bad or yucky at times too.  But when it does make me feel uncomfortable, I have to remember that sin is real and sin is anything that separates me from God.  While it’s not fun to talk about, we all have sin in our lives and I know that I can be reconciled with God as long as I recognize sin, confess it, and ask for forgiveness.

As Pastor Steve unfolded this series, he challenged our whole church to start looking at the weights in our lives that bog each of us down.  He essentially told us that whatever weight(s) are in our lives that we carry that aren’t healthy for us will inevitably keep us from reaching our God given potentials and our God given destinies if we don’t strip that weight off…

Smack. Upside. The. Head. MOMENT!!

As he was making these challenges to us to look introspectively and confront these weights in our lives, I immediately felt convicted.  Not because I’m a bad person and not because I have these massively horrible things in my life that need to be dealt with. Overall, I strive to be a good person and be the person that God has called me to be. However, because I’m human, I will always have things that separate me from God this side of heaven that will need to be addressed and dealt with in order to chase after the calling that God has placed on my life.

Pastor called out a number of spiritual weights from the stage that many people struggle with: anger, lust, greed, adultery, lying, cheating, stealing, addiction, etc.  A lot of those examples are weights that people can see in another person’s life.  Those kinds of weights that hold people down make it easy to sometimes justify our own weights that “don’t seem that bad.”  It’s easy to get self righteous and think, “Well I’ve never robbed anyone or cheated on my spouse so the weights in my life aren’t has damaging as this other person’s weight.”  That thought process hinders our ability to see the magnitude of our own weights, and ultimately justifies the weights that we carry to be acceptable.  The truth is, sin is sin.  Period.  God doesn’t like my sin anymore than the next person’s.

So what about the weights that drag us down that not everyone can see.  I immediately looked to my own (sometimes invisible) “weights” that have been dragging me down for months which directly correlate to my lack of writing:  doubt, fear, laziness, apathy, indifference, and complacency.  None of these can necessarily been seen from an outside perspective, but I carry them with me and they absolutely pollute my life daily and the path that my life will ultimately take.

You see, I LOVE to write.  I always have since I was a little girl, and it’s something that comes naturally to me.  I don’t have a degree in journalism, communication, or related field, but writing brings joy to my soul.  And it doesn’t stop there.  I love writing for the purpose of encouraging others.  I truly feel like God has called me to write because my prayer and hope is that someday He will use it on a grander scale than just from a computer in small town Alabama.  My passion is helping people, and writing is a beautiful way to reach others.

But.

Anyone who is a Christ follower understands that there is a real resistance in this world that attempts to stunt our spiritual growth.  There is a force that we wrestle with all the time that comes to steal, cheat, and destroy us from our God-breathed dreams.  It’s powerful and sometimes wrecks our lives in the most unbelievable ways, or creeps in slowly and subtly like a leaky faucet that eventually floods a whole room or a whole house.

I’m referring to the devil.

The devil has an agenda and his main goal is to bring death.  Not just physical death, but spiritual death.  If he can create enough doubt, enough confusion, enough hate, enough tension, enough failure, enough pain, enough defeat, then the kingdom of God will not advance.  And if that happens, there is no hope.

As I wrestled with my personal weights on this particular Sunday in June, it ultimately made me sad.  Sad that I had let the devil get a foothold in my life to convince me that maybe what I thought God had called me to do was really just a mistake.  That my words didn’t matter or weren’t really worth writing down.  I was beginning to realize that the drippy faucet of thoughts that I had allowed to slowly leak into my mind had become an ocean of confusion and ultimately the whole reason why I hadn’t blogged in months.

Here’s how the weights of my sin (doubt, fear, laziness, apathy, indifference, and complacency) had taken hold of my life and started weighing me down and stifling me.  It began like this:  “I want to write today but I have a million things to do.”  “I’ll make time tomorrow.”  “I just saw someone publish a blog on social media.”  “That was really good.”  “I don’t know if I can write like that person.”  Sees another blog on social media from a different person, “Oh man, I was just thinking about writing about that.”  “I can’t write about that topic now because what if they think I’m copying them?”

Then the weights took hold stronger like this: “What am I really writing for anyways?” “It’s not like many people probably read what I have to say.”  “Does it matter in the grand scheme of life if I write?”  “What’s it really for?”  “I’m putting too much stock in this whole blogging thing.”  “It’s dumb of me to think I can really make a difference that way.”  “I’ll watch another episode of this Netflix show until I feel more inspired.”

Until ultimately I had convinced myself I couldn’t do it.  “There are enough bloggers in the universe.”  “I’m not writing anything new that hasn’t already been written about.”  “If I did blog, I’d probably end up offending someone and I don’t want to put myself out there like that.”  “I’ll just keep to myself and no one will no the difference.”  “There are more qualified people than me so I’ll let this whole blogging thing go and forget about it.”

The problem with these thoughts is that they totally limited me from doing what deep down I know I’m destined to do.  They became the truth from which I was making my decisions, and in fact, they weren’t true at all.

Something I’ve learned in this process of wrestling with these thoughts is that the devil exists in distraction and will do anything to keep you blinded from what you are called to do if you let him.  Even if it’s distraction in the little things, those add up to be the big things.  If the devil can create enough doubt and confusion, we will shift our minds away from what we are called to do, and fill it with lesser, trivial things.  We all have a God given purpose on this Earth, and we have to be willing to fight for it and strip off every weight that holds us back if we want to truly walk out our calling to it’s max potential.

Every doubt that crosses my mind will only have power if I let it.  But if I confront it and seek out the real truth behind it, I can allow God to work through me to push forward in his plan for my life.  Are there people that can write better than me?  Sure.  Are there topics that I want to write about that have already been written about?  Absolutely.  But what inevitably makes my writing completely unique from another person’s is that it comes from my perspective and my experience.  I might have a different view point on a a topic from someone else that might touch their life differently than how someone else would write about it.

Also, timing is everything.  I might choose to write on a topic that’s been written on a million times.  But me publishing words for someone else to read might speak to their specific season of life they are in at that moment that wouldn’t have impacted them as much before.

That’s the one thing I love about the bible.  It’s the same yesterday, as it is today, as it will be tomorrow.  There are certain verses I’ve read multiple times over that don’t affect me on any given day as much as they affect me when I’m walking through a certain season of life I’ve never experienced before.  The same thing is true for how we walk out our God given gifts.  If we take it lightly and write something off with doubt or indifference that we feel called to do, we inevitably miss the opportunity for self growth, as well as the opportunity to impact someone’s life.  I may not think what I have to say is very important, but it might be totally pertinent or insightful in the context of another person’s circumstances.

What are you wrestling with today that is holding you back from something you know you’re called to do?  What is it in your life that is suppressing your dreams?  What is that gnawing feeling nipping at your  heels that you can’t shake that keeps telling you to embark on that new journey, that new experience, or that new chapter?

I’ve been able to identify several of the weights in my life that keep me bound and shackled from reaching my full potential.  I’ve confronted them and looked them in the face even though I’d rather keep turning a blind eye.  I’ve called them by name and told the devil, “Not today!” in order to gain clarity and keep pushing forward.  And when they rear their ugly heads, I keep extinguishing them like I would in a good game of Whack A Mole 🙂

My challenge for you (and myself) today is that we embrace our callings even if we struggle with resistance.  My hope is that we march forward towards our dreams even if they seem impossible or we’ve convinced ourselves they’re not worth pursuing.  I pray that, whatever circumstances you find yourself in today, you would be able to confront your own weights and recognize that God has more planned for your life than the place you’re in at this moment.

One thing I know to be true (even if it doesn’t feel true in the moment) is that God is bigger than any weight we have carried from our pasts, any weight we currently carry, and any weight we have yet to carry.  The weight can feel massive, and ultimately too overwhelming to sustain.  But 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”  There is always a solution to whatever weight you’re carrying that holds you down.  It may take time to start shedding some of that weight, but know that the more weight you get rid of, the easier it will be to keep moving forward.

God never said he called the qualified, the people who already know what they are doing and how they plan to get to where they are going.  God qualifies the called.  If you feel nudged to pursue something in your life today, you don’t have to have all the answers before you begin and you don’t have to know exactly where it will take you.  What God begins in you, He will see it through in you if you answer His call.  I don’t know where this journey of writing will take me, but I’m willing to keep pushing forward to find out.

I’m dropping weight today.  I pray that you will drop some too.

Where’s Your Grit?

I consider myself to be many things.  A Christian.  A counselor.  A wife. A daughter.  A sister.  A granddaughter.  A friend.  A lover of music.  A writer.  An introvert (and sometimes an extrovert).  A critical thinker.  A dog lover.  The list goes on.  We all wear different labels at different times depending on the role we are called to play, or the role we desire to have.  One label that used to be a driving force in my life, a fairly big identifier of who I was for the majority of my childhood, was athlete.  I still identify as an athlete today, it’s just not as dominant as it used to be because I’m not publically parading around in jerseys or playing in leagues anymore.  I still take pride in physical fitness, and being an athlete is something I’ve always loved.  Being athletic, coordinated, and driven just came naturally to me from a young age.

I tried many sports, as most children do, when I was finally old enough to start understanding the concept of team play and personal dedication to a task.  I tried gymnastics, softball, swimming, horseback riding, and tennis.  I even have a faint memory of being in a tap dancing class when I was REALLY young.  But one sport surpassed them all when I finally tried my hand at it.  And that sport was basketball.  Nothing else held a candle to the passion that was ignited in my heart when I began to shoot, dribble, and play on a team.  It was an immediate, instant connection to a desire that would burn inside me for years to come.

My first memories of playing basketball are tied to the YMCA youth recreational team where I began playing around 7-8 years old.  It was a short season and all you had to do was sign up.  There were no cuts because everyone got to play.  Our teams were divided by solid colors, and I remember my team name was  Power and we all had bright, red t-shirts.  It was nothing fancy, but I already had a sense of pride for my team.  I was so proud of that red shirt, I wore it to my first day of middle school where I would be meeting about 1,000 new kids.  Looking back, that was a horrible decision in more ways than one!  Fashion suicide on day one of junior high!  That’s another blog for another day 🙂

I’m sure it was pretty hysterical to watch these little “thrown together teams” run up and down a court with little structure.   There were no plays and no real serious coordination of events.  Some girls on my team had zero interest in being there, but they were forced to show up because their parents were trying to expose them to “a wide variety of activities.”  Not me though.  I showed up to play as hard as Richard Simmons goes at a work out routine.  I was excited!  I loved it!  I could eat, sleep, and breathe being on that court running drills and practicing all day.  I felt like I had found my niche, and a dream was unfolding before my eyes.  A dream I could chase, run after, and pursue because it made me feel alive inside.

Soon after I became involved in recreational league play, I yearned for more.  I began begging my parents to be a part of something where I could play basketball all the time.  My parents decided to get me my first basketball goal for our driveway towards the end of elementary school to see how serious I was about my dedication to the sport.  It was a standard goal, but it had that hard, plastic backboard that didn’t quite make it a “legit” hoop.  But as soon as we put it together, I went to work.  Playing all hours of the day during the summer.  Staying outside at night with the porch lights on trying to still make out the outline of the rim to sink shots in the dark.  The dream was real and I couldn’t stop playing.

With my new found love of the game, and constant desire to play, I tried out for my middle school basketball team in the 6th grade, and was one of only 5 girls who made the team.  Man was I on cloud 9!  I was a shrimp compared to the 8th graders, but I was beaming with pride that I made the cut!  From there, I went on to play travel ball every spring and summer, as well as started dedicating myself to the gym in the off seasons.  At 13, I became involved with a training program called U-Turn where I learned how to lift weights, run drills, work on agility, increase my vertical leap, perfect my shot, and incorporate bible study devotions into each practice to coincide with my calling to play basketball.  This was my definition of living the dream.  Getting up everyday, pursuing my passion with everything I had, and pushing myself to the limit to be the best player I could be.  My parents eventually replaced my kiddie hoop in the driveway with the real deal!  I’m talking a plexiglass backboard and adjustability to the standard height of 10 feet.  I was ecstatic and they were taking me seriously!

As time moved on, I eventually graduated to high school where I played my freshman year on the junior varsity team.  Our team went 14 wins that year undefeated before we lost our first game, and by the end of that year, the coach from the varsity team was letting me dress out for games with the varsity players.  I was well on my way to play varsity for my sophomore year, and I was so excited I couldn’t stand it!  This dream of mine to be an amazing basketball player that started 7 years prior to this was unfolding before my eyes, and it was so close, I could taste it.

But something happened.  Something changed that I wasn’t prepared for.  I never saw this situation coming, but when it arrived, it was so forceful it changed the course of history.  The course of MY history.

A new girl.  A girl who transferred to my school from a state away who was in my grade.  Who played my position.  A girl with an agenda.  A girl who would change my world.  Rumors were already swirling at the beginning of the school year of this girl and that she played basketball…

Tryouts came my sophomore year.  Girls were divided out into two separate groups based on grade level and/or talent.  The new girl went to the varsity side of the gym, and I was pushed towards the JV side of the gym.  My body became hot.  My heart rate went up so fast I could feel it pulsing in my ears.  Tears welled in my eyes that were so hot, they burned as I tried to hold them back.  I couldn’t focus.   I couldn’t breathe.  What was happening?  Who was this girl and how did she already have a connection to the varsity team when she hasn’t even been here?  I had already been dressing for varsity the year before, but somehow was being relegated to the “lesser” team.  I became frozen in my frustration and literally didn’t know what to do.

I immediately felt sick.  Stuck.  I attempted to talk to some of the coaches about it, but it was like my words were falling on deaf ears.  It seemed that this decision was permanent and I became consumed with this intense hurt, rage, bitterness, fear, jealousy, and bewilderment. Despite all of those feelings, there was one that took the cake.  I even hesitate to admit it, but it was real and it was raw.  Hatred.  I hated her.  I had never felt a hate like this before for someone I had never met and didn’t really know.  But it was all-consuming and drove everything inside of me like a train.  I hated her with every fiber of my being and I didn’t care who knew.

I’d love to tell you that she was some all-star player who should have had that spot on that team.  I’d love to tell you her shooting accuracy was 80%.  I’d love to tell you she was some amazon player who was 5’10 and full of muscle.  I’d love to tell you her place on the team was justified and she was the fastest, strongest, and best defensive player they had.  That would have at least made it convincible for me to believe she deserved it.  That would have at least helped me let go of this position I had been working my butt off for, for years.  But she wasn’t any of those things.  She was average.  She was an ok ball player who claimed she played varsity where she went to school previously, and that’s why she deserved that spot on that team.  And that’s what stung the most.  In my brain, I couldn’t rationalize this decision.  But it was made.  It was done.

I fell into a deep depression.  I felt like I lost my sense of purpose.  What if everything I had worked for over the past 7 years was all for nothing?  It was a gut-wrenching slap in the face every day that I had to show up at school and sit in the same classes as her.  Practice in the same gym as her.  Dress out on game days in different uniforms than her.  Have her sit with the varsity team in the bleachers watching me play with the JV team while she got to wear her letters.  Having to smile and entertain her when both teams got together for socials or tournaments.  I hated her so badly and nothing seemed to make things any better.

I feel like the worst part of this whole situation wasn’t even related to basketball.  One of my best friends I had started playing ball with in 6th grade made varsity basketball as a Freshman.  She was someone I connected with immediately when we met in middle school, and she was someone I loved hanging out with.  For some reason, this new girl targeted our friendship and despised the fact that we were friends at all, much less best friends.  I have a vivid memory of us doing warm ups in practice one day when both teams were practicing together.  My best friend and I were cutting up and laughing, and this girl came over in between us and demanded we stop speaking to each other because she didn’t like it.  Instances like that made my blood bubble up even more with the hatred I had towards her.  Looking back, I just took it.  I didn’t respond because I didn’t know how.  I don’t know if it was shock that made me so unable to respond to her.  Maybe it was insecurity.  Maybe it was the hate that made me so crippled that I couldn’t fight back.  Maybe it was that I felt inferior to her and I just couldn’t muster up the strength to hold my own.  So many instances like that came up, and I just let her do it to me.  Over and over again.

I wish I could tell you that this season of my life ended like a Rocky movie.  That I dug down deep inside of myself and whooped her ass and took my spot back on the team.  Or that I powered through and got some sweet revenge and made her look like an idiot.  The truth is, I didn’t.

I played my junior year on the varsity team with the girl I hated, and a new coaching staff because our high school’s varsity head coach quit.  The new coaches knew nothing about this situation I felt I had been robbed of, and quite frankly, they didn’t care.  They played who they thought should play and that was it.  We had an overwhelmingly losing season that was just as depressing as the way my insides felt, and I rode the bench.  I didn’t get to play because I wasn’t on the varsity roster from the year before which is what these new coaches went off of.  No one cared that I was the highest scoring player on my team from my sophomore year and no one cared I got MVP of the season.  It killed me.  My passion was gone.  The little pilot light of hope inside of me that I barely had burning got snuffed out.  The hurt reached such dark corners of my soul that I began to hate the game.

My senior year rolled around.  The pinnacle of all dreams of student athletes as their year to shine.  Their year to possibly be scouted for college.  Their year to leave it all out on the floor for their team and their school.  All of the anticipations of my childhood getting wrapped up into one final shot to make it count and live in the glory of going out on top.  All of those years of hard work and dreams were on the line.

And I quit.  I walked up to my coach, the new coach who had only known me for a season.  I caught her before classes began one morning in the main hallway of my school and blurted out the statement, “Hey coach, I just wanted to let you know I’ve decided not to play this year.”

Her response?  “Ok good luck to you.”

That was it?  Good luck to you?  I’m not sure what I expected her response to be, but it sure wasn’t that.  She didn’t even ask me why.  She didn’t even try to have one of those “coachy” pep-talks with me.  I told her I was leaving and she just let me go.

I remember walking down the hallway with those words hanging over my head and feeling a lump well up in my throat because I knew it was over.  It was really over.  I let my childhood dream die.

There were months after I quit where I experienced moments that still brought me to my knees when I least expected it.  Being known as an athlete all my life and not dressing out for game days when the rest of the team did hit me like a ton of bricks.  I can still picture where I was in my high school gym when I attended the game that happened to be senior night.  I was standing in the bleachers with my friends (which was so not like me because I was usually on the court) and watched all of the seniors get escorted out by their parents, recognized, and handed roses.  Still, the hatred I had for that girl seethed out of me in those moments because I was watching her get recognition for something that should have been mine.  I read articles in the paper about the weekend recaps of all the high school games, and my name wasn’t in there.  I felt sick when I realized someone else wore my number.

These memories are painful.  And I get emotional just writing this because it’s the first time in 10 years I’ve actually gone back and re-lived some of these moments in such detail.  No amount of wishing can ever allow me to get those decisions back, and if I let myself go back to that place too far, the weight of regret swallows me like a wave.

I can’t change the past.  And Lord knows sometimes I wish I could.  But since I can’t, I have to be able to use my past as a catalyst to impact my future.  The whole point of me sharing this personal struggle is because someone else reading this has a past regret they wish they had handled differently, or a current struggle they don’t know how to get out of. There might be some magical formula out there with a step-by-step process of how to make better decisions.  I’m sure there’s an entire book being published right now on how to push through obstacles in your life.  You may even be having conversations with those you love right now about feeling like giving up, feeling stuck, or not knowing a way out of your circumstances.  I’ll tell you in the simplest form right now of why I let my dream slip away and my passion die.  I’ll tell you what I learned from it and how I won’t make these mistakes in the future.  It comes down to one principle…

I didn’t have enough grit.  The question you need to be asking yourself is this moment is, “Where’s My Grit?”

Grit.  What is grit?  Grit is defined as one of two things:  1.  small, loose particles of stone or sand.  2.  Courage and resolve; strength of character.

Have you ever heard anyone say the phrase “the world is your oyster?”  Have you ever stopped to consider what that means?  If you haven’t, think about an oyster and what it does.  Besides existing in the sea, the oyster takes grains of sand (grit) from the ocean, and over time, creates a beautiful pearl.

What is the thing in your life that is bringing you down?  What’s the circumstance that is making your soul ache right now that you wish you could avoid?  What is that situation from your past that makes you feel like you failed?

Whatever it is, use it to start producing a pearl in your life.  Nothing you go through is in vain.  We can use circumstances in our lives as a way to play the victim role and become a martyr.  We can use resistance  we experience in our lives as an excuse to lay down and retreat.  We can ultimately allow painful things to keep us stuck in a gloomy fog that transcends all of our future experiences.

The truth is, everything I wrote about in my experience of having a dream die was real and one of the most painful experiences of my life.  I had no control over what was going to happen to me as far as my circumstances changing.  I couldn’t control this girl moving to my state, to my school, to my grade, and to my basketball team.  I couldn’t control her hatefulness towards me.  I couldn’t control my new coaches and their plans for who they wanted to play.

But I had complete control over me.  In a time that felt so out of control, I had more power than I gave myself credit for.  I had more strength that I could have tapped into if I tried.  I had more confidence than I ever dreamed I could possibly hold if I only believed it.  But the problem was, I didn’t believe I was worth it.  I didn’t believe I could overcome this, so I didn’t.  Instead of letting all the thoughts of rage, hate, insecurity, hurt, doubt, and bitterness consume me, I could have used this challenge as a way to focus deeper on my abilities as an athlete.  Run faster, train harder, shoot more shots, study my plays until I had each one memorized, and work so hard on being a better me that nothing else got in the way.

If I ever do a doctoral program where I have to write a thesis and prove a dissertation, it will be on the factors of resiliency.  I really don’t know what makes someone resilient and someone else passive.  I don’t know how you instill resiliency in someone who doesn’t want to get better.  As a counselor, that is so frustrating because sometimes, people just don’t want to do what they need to do to get better.  I don’t know how to get that point across for someone else.  I can speak for me though, and tell you that once you decide you want something, and you’ve had enough suffering, nothing else stands in the way of what you want.

Make the decision today that you’re done making excuses.  Decide today that you’re worth fighting for and no one else can stand in your way of what you want.  Don’t take no for an answer and keep pushing forward for whatever goal you have.  BELIVE in yourself and don’t take push backs from anyone.  It might be an exercise goal, diet goal, career goal, relationship goal, or traveling goal.  It doesn’t matter what the goal is, just do it.

I’ve gone to the gym for years and in the past few years, I’ve started participating in group fitness classes.  They are really hard and they don’t ever seem to get easier even when I am consistent in attending.  Somedays I hate them.  Some days I don’t want to show up.  Some days my workouts just suck.  But when it’s really hard to do one more push up, one more squat, one more burpee, one more tuck jump, one more jumping jack, one more lunge, I make the decision to keep going.

The biggest hurdle you will ever have in your whole life is the one in your mind.  Oh, the things you could accomplish if you only told yourself in your mind you could do it.  And not just telling yourself you can do it when you feel good.  Telling yourself you can push through something when you’re broken, tired, overwhelmed, or about to give up is when it truly matters.  I don’t really believe the statement that “you can do anything you set your mind to” because I’ll never be 7 feet tall with the ability to play in the NBA even if that was my biggest dream.  But when it comes to strength of character, believing that I’m worth having what I work for, and never letting the evil people in the world get me down, that’s something I can hang my hat on.

I don’t hate that girl who moved to my school and took my spot on the basketball team anymore.  I don’t allow her to make me bitter or fuel my heart and memories with regret.  The truth is, I was a 15 year old kid who was blindsided with an unimaginable situation, and I did the best I could at that time with the tools I had.  Sure, I wish I had the crown of glory, the MVP status, the varsity letters, and school record stats that would have retired my jersey in the high school gym.  But it didn’t happen that way.

I learned a much more valuable lesson that impacted my future for the rest of my life.  I’ll never let anyone else determine my worth and value.  I’ll never let circumstances rattle me like that again to the point of defeat.  I’ll be much more aware of my own inner strength and determination to fight for what is mine in this world, and not be afraid to speak up for what I want.  Ultimately, I will continue to tap into my own personal grit that I found through heartache and loss to fuel me to overcome the next circumstances in life I can’t see coming yet.  I hope you will too.

Be blessed,

Maggie

Don’t Dig Up Doubt Where You’ve Planted Faith

Recently, I feel like there has been a pervasive message in my life that God has been trying to make very clear to me.  Not necessarily because I’m being stubborn or resistant about receiving the message of this particular issue, but maybe because I have needed the gentle reminder that my God is near to me.  I feel like God pushes things up in my face sometimes to make sure I don’t miss certain “ah ha” moments that are important.  I was driving down the road a couple of months ago, and I saw this church marquee that had the small, poignant phrase, “Don’t Dig Up Doubt Where You’ve Planted Faith.”  “Duh!” I thought as I continued driving away.  “That would be a tragic thing to do,” I thought.  But something about that phrase stuck with me as the day passed on.  Easy to say, but actually, difficult to do.

Shortly after I saw that sign, my pastor at church began preaching a sermon series entitled, “Unbelievable.”  This series touched on different topics which all related to how to live an unbelievable life.  One of these topics was about how to develop and have unbelievable faith in your life.  I heard the all familiar story of Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego preached that Sunday (refer to the book of Daniel if you are unfamiliar with this story) and their unbelievable faith in God that saved them when they were thrown into a fire.  Not only did they survive, but God stood with them IN the fire so that they could walk out, untouched and unscathed to show that their faith was real and their God delivered his promises of protection. Talk about some crazy faith!  If someone threatened to throw me in the fire to test my faith, I can tell you right now I’d start running.  After that sermon, my wheels began turning.  Do I honestly and truly believe that my God will stand in the fire with me in the trials of life?  I mean, I think I do.  And I claim that I do.  But when the rubber meets the road, is that true?  He did it for Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego so surely he would for me too, right?

Since the time that I saw that church sign and heard the Unbelievable Faith sermon, I’ve seen and heard many things that have tested, stretched, and strengthened my faith.  I witnessed a dear friend of mine from high school blog about her experience of bearing a child with a neural tube defect who was born to die.  She was very transparent throughout her whole pregnancy about knowing her son would only live for a brief time, and the entire time she praised God through the joy and the sorrow.  She got 7 precious hours with her son post birth before he went to be with Jesus.  The whole time I grieved with her  and her family, but asked, “God, why?”  Another friend of mine is also pregnant and so far everything is great.  My response, “God you are faithful.”  I have heard of doctors reports of friends and family members that are great and not so great.  I just recently got my licensure certification in counseling that I’ve worked so hard for and praised God for his faithfulness in getting me through to this milestone.  So many praises throughout these last few months, but sometimes there were so many questions, too.

Blake and I recently started watching The Bible on Netflix and with each passing episode, I’m more in awe of these stories I’ve heard of a thousand times, but get to watch in succession and actually SEE what these people went through.  The very first episode depicts Abraham about to sacrifice (kill) his son, Issac, to prove his faith in God.  This story has been told to me more times than I can count, but the visual I SAW brought me to tears.  Who could have such faith in God to be willing to sacrifice their own child?  Could I have had that faith during that time in history?  I’m not sure that I could.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t based on the smallest things I freak out over now.  Just a couple of weeks ago, Blake was supposed to be minutes behind me in getting home, and when he didn’t show up right away, I immediately started playing the panic game.  I thought, “He must have been in a car accident and now he’s obviously dead!!”  After a quick text, I found out he stopped at the gas station.  I’m such a wimp.

Everyone has big faith at times when life is going great, little faith when things aren’t working out, and sometimes no faith when things seem hopeless.  Our faith can ebb and flow based on circumstances in our lives, but how do we get long lasting faith that isn’t shaken when our circumstances change?  I know based on my personal circumstances and watching the circumstances of those around me that our faith can change in an instant like the changing of the wind.  Especially when big things happen like a loved one dying, loss of a job, financial hardship, relationships ending, seemingly unending addictions, mental health issues, or maybe just a constant closing door on a dream you’re are trying to chase.  Whatever makes your faith shaky at times, I would encourage you to ask yourself these questions if you want your faith to grow stronger.

1.  What are you putting your faith in?

It’s so easy for us to put our faith in temporarily satisfying things.  I do it all the time.  My job.  My marriage.  My family.  My friends.  My possessions.  All of these things will let me down eventually if I hang my hat solely on them.  My job isn’t always a smooth ride.  My husband isn’t perfect (sorry honey)!  My family and friends can’t always fulfill my needs.  And my possessions are objects that may give me security for the moment, but they are fleeting with little value.  Most times when our faith becomes rocky, we need to re-evaluate what we are building it on.  Isaiah 40: 29-31 says, “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.  Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.  But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  The will walk and not grow faint.”  Our God is full of promises that he will sustain us even when everything else falls apart or gets stripped away.  If you are putting your faith in something that gives temporary security, you’ll find yourself continuing to struggle with grasping for control.  Why not put your faith in an everlasting God who will walk through fire with you just like he did with Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego?  And not only will he walk with you through the fire, he’ll deliver you from it unharmed.  Often times we lose site of the end result when we get caught in the fire.  We focus too much on the flame, the burn, the hurt, and the mess we don’t think we can get out of.  If we continue to see God’s truth, our faith will become unshakable.

2.  Who are you accountable to?

Accountability.  What a loved and hated word.  The only time people love this word is when they’re seeking accountability from someone else.  For example, people making New Year’s Resolutions are all about accountability at the beginning of the year.  Whether it be a gym routine, diet plan, or development of other healthy habits, we all look for help when WE are seeking change.  What really sucks is when someone else attempts to hold us accountable when we don’t want it.  It hurts when we get called out for behaviors that aren’t healthy, or when we get questioned about what we are doing.  So the question I would encourage you to ask yourself when things seem in disarray would be, “Who are you seeking answers from when your faith is on rocky ground?”  It’s easy to panic first and then ask for help later.  In addition to seeking answers from God, who are you seeking answers from in your circle of people?  Ephesians 4:25 says, ” Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each other of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of the other.”  If you’re seeking answers about decisions in your life or where your next step should be, the people you run to for answers is so critical.  It’s easy for us to run to the people who will give us the easy answers that we want to hear…(“Just think about yourself!” “Do what you’ve got to do.”)  When our faith is shaky and all we want to do is run, the easy way out seems very appealing.  But the real challenge comes in when we seek answers from those who will tell us like it is and push us past our comfort zones to help us make the RIGHT decisions (not just the easy ones.)  Hebrews 10:25 says, “And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encouraged one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.”  If you don’t have a group of people that you run to when your world is falling apart that will help get you back on track, find them.  Do whatever it takes to get connected to people who will point you on the right path, even if it is uncomfortable.  If you don’t have those people, and you aren’t willing to be transparent in times where it’s good to be held accountable, you’ll spend a life time of spinning your wheels because you’ll miss God’s biggest blessings for your life.  Get out of your comfort zone and get held accountable.

3.  Have you prayed about it?

Mark 11:24 says, ” Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”  Simple enough, right?  Wrong.  If I asked for everything I wanted and believed I would receive it, I would have a mansion at the beach, a Range Rover, a closet full of endless clothes, new shoes every day, a maid to clean my house and cook my dinner, a private jet, etc. (can you tell I dream big??).  What God is saying here is that He isn’t going to give us whatever we want whenever we want it.  He’s not a genie in a bottle that grants our wishes.  Instead, He wants us to communicate with Him and seek His guidance that will ultimately reveal the desires in our hearts which will align with His plans for our lives.  If our faith is weak, and we confess to God that we are struggling and ask for His guidance, eventually He will reveal what it is we are supposed to do and where it is we are supposed to go.  God knows our steps along the way even when we can’t see ahead.  Trusting in God and believing Him for his blessings only strengthens our faith and leads us to the answers we were seeking all along.

4.  Do you need to readjust your sails?

One of my favorite verses that I quote all of the time is Jeremiah 29:11 which says, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”  I have always loved this verse because it takes the pressure off of me to “have it all figured out.”  I’m the queen worrier when the life plan gets shaky.  Ask anyone and I have my life plan etched in stone at least 10 years out.  Every now and then I even let God in on that plan (LOL).   But in actuality, I never have control, I’m never in charge, and I sure as heck don’t ever have it all figured out (even when I think I do).  God states in his word that His plans for me are GOOD and they are never for DISASTER!  How awesome is that?!  The only time disaster happens and the train goes off the tracks is when I attempt to take control, I don’t pray about my circumstances, and I reject the accountability of those around me who are trying to say, “Maggie?  Pump the breaks, sister.  Quit living up in your head!”  Even with all the faith in God, the prayer, and the accountability, sometimes God will ask us to adjust the plan.  I feel like for me, I go to God a lot asking for something rather than being thankful for what I have.  And most times when I fight hard for something that I feel like HAS to be the plan, God softly whispers, “Be still and know that I am God.”  When we are open to receiving, we sometimes learn that God’s gentle resistance of our plans is a way for Him to get us to readjust our course.  It may not mean “no” forever, but it might mean He’s pointing us to something even better.  A shaky faith doesn’t mean it’s a formula for a disaster coming our way.  It might just mean it allows us to pursue other options that open us up to greater blessings.

I started writing this particular blog over a month ago, and had it on my mind for at least a month or two before even starting it.  I kept leaving it in draft mode and finding excuses not to finish it.  I am just now finishing it a month later, and it couldn’t have come at a greater time.  My faith has been tested so much this past week, and I don’t think it’s coincidence that I felt led to finish writing this during a time of personal shaky faith.  What I continue to learn daily is that my God is good.  He is near, and He wants only the best for my life.  Even in times where I put my faith in other things that give temporary satisfaction, I am always pointed back to the One who reminds me that His ways are always higher and greater than mine.  Whatever it is you are struggling with today (because we’ve all got struggles), know that you don’t have to have it all figured out.  Don’t dig up doubt where you’ve planted faith.  And if you feel like you’ve hit a wall and don’t know where to turn, re-evaluate what you place your faith in, pray about it, ask guidance from others (who are objective and real with you even when it’s hard), and be willing to adjust your sails if you keep coming up to a closed door.  God won’t leave you out to dry.  He only requires the faith of a mustard seed (which is incredibly tiny) to trust Him.  Are you willing to give Him that faith today?

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit Next To Me

“If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit Next To Me”

So it’s out there in the ether.  By now, if you’re reading this blog, you and everyone else who stays glued to their smart phones and up to the minute news sites know about the recent news stories that have broken in the past weeks including Caitlyn Jenner and the Duggar Sexual Abuse Scandal.  You’ve formed your opinions, read multiple articles, and quite frankly, are probably tired of hearing about it.  I know that I am kind of overwhelmed with these situations and feel like I want to go hide under a rock, turn off my iPhone, and pull away from the media for awhile.  However, the more I try to run from it, the more it keeps chasing me.  I just have this heavy burden on my heart to share what’s going through my mind, because of the multitude of responses I have seen come in about these issues. Honestly, I think the real reason I want to write on this subject, is not to force other people to believe the way that I do, not to give my deep personal convictions and beliefs about the subject, but to maybe create some “ah ha” moments for someone else who might be thinking a lot about this situation too.

I would like to start off by saying that when the news story broke about Caitlyn Jenner, I didn’t have an incredibly strong reaction one way or the other about it immediately. Chalk it up to the fact that Bruce Jenner has been transitioning for a while so it wasn’t a huge shock when he “came out.”  Or chalk it up to the fact that I work in a field where I address issues of all kinds every day so these types of things aren’t foreign to me or catch me off guard as it might someone else.  The real issue that got to me more than the breaking of the story, was the aftermath in which people began responding.  Call me naïve or ignorant, but I just couldn’t believe some of the things I saw people writing or saying about this man/woman.  As a matter of fact, as I sit here and process the unfolding of these events I’m more disheartened by watching the responses of others (strangers and people I know) pour in about these situations, than I am about the actual content of what I’ve witnessed about these stories.  I understand that people have their opinions, but anytime those opinions are used to condemn or defame someone’s name or character, that is when it really becomes bothersome to me.  What makes it worse in our current world is the accessibility we all have to make our opinions known to the masses with the click of a button.

I truly have a love-hate relationship with social media and the internet. I love it for all of its pros:  connecting with others, staying in contact with my family who live far away, quick access to information, encouragement from others, and ultimately, a way to share my life with others.  I hate social media for the cons:  the time it takes away from the present moment, the distance it creates in personal relationships, the never-ending stream of consciousness, and the overload of information (even when it’s not warranted.)  Our worlds have been condensed to the size of our phone screens, and so much life and death can exist within the palm of our hands.

Because of this information overload and unlimited access to everyone’s personal lives, our current society has developed an overwhelming loss of tact and regard for other people and their experiences. With the introduction of the internet, cyberspace, social media, etc, it’s as if people have forgotten what it’s like to hold their tongue and be respectful of other people’s thoughts, opinions, and decisions.  It’s become the norm to put people on blast from behind a computer screen where it doesn’t take much bravery to say nasty things through a keyboard.  I am in one of the last age groups in one of the last generations in this world that understands and remembers what it was like before technology took over our existence.  Yes, I had an email account.  Yes, I had an AOL screen name (if you’re reading this and don’t know what that is, you are too young).  Yes, I used technology in school to compliment my academic work.  However, there was nothing that I could take with me everywhere I went that I could hold in my hand that could instantly connect me to hundreds, thousands, millions of people in seconds.  Now I can see what someone ate for breakfast.  I can see who got a new job.  I can see who got married.  I can see who had a bad day. All of these things are all great and wonderful, but what happens when so much of what we see every day is hateful and unforgiving? And better yet, who is held responsible for the hateful comments, off colored jokes, and complete slander of another person when mass stories hit the news like this? Maybe no one is and that’s the problem.  Maybe that’s the cross someone has to bear when they sign up for life in the public eye.  Maybe that’s what our world has come to and we just have to accept what is.  Well that’s not good enough for me.

Most people that know me know that I am a Christian. I love Jesus and I attempt to live my life to serve Him daily.  I fall short.  I make mistakes.  I say things I shouldn’t.  I have the worst road rage on the planet.  My temper can get the best of me.  I’m stubborn.  The list goes on.  But what has become evident to me over the past several weeks is that, when God changed my life 14 years ago, He changed my heart.  Now when I say this, I mean He changed the way I look at this world and the way that I look at other people.  I have been completely dumbfounded at the things I have read online from my friend’s list on Facebook as well as articles claiming that people like Caitlyn Jenner are scum of the earth or are freaks of nature because of choices they have made in their lives.  I’m not going to get into the issue of my personal beliefs of transgendered individuals.  What I am saying here is, regardless of what these individuals have chosen to do with their lives or mistakes they have made, why is it so hard for others to look past the things that they’ve done or been labeled with, and treat them as a respectful human being?

We could sit here all day and debate the issue of what makes someone want to become transgendered. We could list off all of the possible reasons why Bruce decided to become Caitlyn.  He did it for fame.  He did it for attention.  He did it for money.  He did it because he’s mentally ill.  Does it really matter?  Let’s step back for a second and REALLY think about the reasons people want to transition genders:  They feel that they were born in the wrong body, and biologically, physically, mentally, they believe with every fiber of their being that they were meant to be the opposite gender.  Now I don’t know about you, but if all Bruce Jenner wanted was some attention, he could have run down the street naked in Hollywood and gotten a good story out of it.  He could have made another reality tv show deal with E network and made some money.  There are exponentially greater things that he could have done for attention, fame, and money other than going through the intense psychological transition of changing genders.  Just sayin.

If we step back for a minute and remember that this man/woman is a human being with thoughts, feelings, and emotions, we are able to understand that he is dealing with something profoundly difficult and has for most of his life. Heck the man is 60 years old and has wrestled with this from the time that he was a child.  I don’t know about you, but I pray to God I don’t carry a struggle like that for decades and feel like I don’t have anyone to turn to or a way to fix it.  One thing that I have repeatedly seen shared on Facebook is this picture of a soldier who has lost his legs, and it is paired with Caitlyn Jenner’s cover of Vanity Fair.  The soldier is in his uniform and wearing prosthetics legs that he has clearly lost in combat while Jenner is posing as a woman.  The caption reads:  This is the real definition of bravery and heroism (referring to the soldier), not this (referring to Jenner).  That is so discouraging to me.  First of all, you can’t compare the situations because they are drastically different.  However, no matter how you slice it, both people in that picture are brave.  One man went to serve his country with overwhelming support from America, and came back a changed person without limbs because of his experience.  The other is opening up about his personal struggle to THE WORLD and having to deal with the backlash of a society that wants to spit in his face and make him feel like an outcast. To me, stepping up is incredibly brave.  To put yourself on the chopping block of the world, and push forward with what you believe in because you feel it’s right is braver than I could imagine.  Nothing about that is cowardly to me.  Anytime you tell someone they aren’t courageous for getting out of their comfort zone and battling their issues because it doesn’t look like someone else’s journey, you leave them feeling inferior, alone, and as if their story doesn’t matter.

In addition to Caitlyn Jenner’s story, the way the world has responded to the Duggars has been equally discouraging. Let me be the first to say that I, in no way, condone anything Josh Duggar did to his family or anyone else.  I believe that he should be held accountable for breaking the law and committing an unthinkable act.  What has broken my heart almost as equally as his indiscretions is the way his family has been slandered.  I’m not surprised people have been so vocal about this situation because they are a Christian family with strong morals and beliefs.  This situation is a breeding ground for those who hate Christians, think we are hypocrites, or like being able to say “I told you so” about their story is too good to be true.

Let’s take the Christian piece out of the equation for a minute. Would people be so outraged about this if they were a non-believing family? Or even a family that believes in God but was less vocal about their faith?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that, regardless of whether you are a Christian or not, bad things happen in this world, and everyone makes mistakes.  Watching the world trash this family, especially the parents, has rocked me to the core because it has become very clear to me that it is 100 times easier to place blame on someone than it is to extend grace and mercy.  Anyone reading this blog, think back to your childhood.  Did you ever make a mistake that you were terrified for your parents to find out? Big or small, no one walked a perfect childhood and I will be the first to admit there were things I got away with as a kid that I would have been mortified had my parents found out.  My mistakes were in no way to the degree of what Josh Duggar kept secret, but regardless, my parents would have been disappointed in me.  I was a kid who made stupid choices, and it wasn’t’ because my parents were terrible parents.  I was raised right with correct boundaries, rules, and consequences for my poor behavior choices.  Josh Duggars’ parents are two individuals who have made their lives about raising a family rooted in Christ, and spreading the love of God throughout this world.  Just because their son made some terrible choices doesn’t reflect their parenting style, their love for their children, their relationship with God, or mean they are hypocrites.

I think any of us who have experienced letting our parents down at any given time would be heartbroken if the world had a bird’s eye view into our homes and cast their judgment and disdain onto our siblings and parents when they knew nothing about our situation. I don’t have the knowledge of being a parent yet because I don’t have children.  I pray that God blesses me with that gift in the future, and I pray that no matter what happens, my children will grow up to be successful individuals who love God with all their heart, mind, and soul.  Should they stumble along the way (which they will) I pray that I will have people around me to encourage me and support me.  Not cut me down or judge me based on the way I choose to parent and what my children choose to do.

The bottom line is we all do the best we can with the tools we have to navigate through this life. As I think about my response as a Christian to anyone who may make a mistake, or make a life choice that I don’t understand, I am reminded of the story of the prodigal son.  The story follows a son who is disobedient to his father and rebels against him to the point of “burning every bridge” between him and his father.  He runs away, blowing through all of the resources he has until he has nothing and his life is in shambles.  When he decides to make the journey back home, he is prepared for the backlash from his father about all of the horrible choices he has made.  Instead, his father welcomes him with open arms and does not shame him for his journey he had to take to make peace within himself.

My role as a Christian is to not shame anyone for their choices, but to listen openly and offer my support and encouragement to help them find peace and hope in their lives. So often I hear of fellow Christians stating that they have to confront people about their sin or read scripture from the street corner to get people’s attention.  That’s not true.  My pastor stated recently that being a witness isn’t about telling people what they should do with their lives and how they should live it.  Being a witness merely means you convey what you’ve seen and heard to other people.  For example, I have seen and heard how Jesus has worked in my life, and people who know me hear about that because it’s easy to explain.  My testimony and how I live my life daily is a reflection of my relationship with God, and other people who encounter me will see that.

As a counselor, my days are filled with individuals who come into my office, dispel information to me that they are ashamed of, cry out for help because they don’t know how to move forward in their lives, and genuinely need help and encouragement to make changes within themselves. They are in the midst of circumstances that I could never begin to understand.  I would be of no help to anyone if I took all of their information, shamed them for it, and continued to remind them that they aren’t worth anything because I don’t agree with their choices.  Judging other people doesn’t define them, it defines us.  Our judgments reveal our true character.  We all say things that can be hurtful, and I know I’ve said things unintentionally and intentionally in my life to hurt other people.  I can’t take those things back, but I can actively move forward to make better choices and meet people where they are.  Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t want to be preached to, she wants to be understood.  And meeting her where she is, is one step closer to helping her find peace and letting her see the love of God through you.

One of my favorite verses in the bible is Matthew 11:28: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.“ If the ultimate goal of Christianity is to live more like Jesus and reflect His love and light into this world, we have to start allowing people to see that they can find rest in Him through us.  Many people might call me “luke-warm” or “misguided” for how I view this situation.  I’m ok with that because I don’t believe for a second that it’s wrong for me to extend love and grace to individuals while still living my life the way God has called me to do.  The New Testament states that we are called to love God with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength, and to love our neighbors as ourselves.  Well, I can love God with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength, and love Caitlyn Jenner and the Duggar family as I love myself.

People often confuse the notion that they have to agree with someone, understand them, and believe the same way as someone else in order to respect them, care for them, and extend grace to them. That’s not true.  I don’t have to understand choices you make in order to respect you or have compassion for your circumstances.  I don’t have to agree with the path you take in order to speak life over you.  I don’t have to believe what you believe in order to extend grace and kindness to you or pray for you. This world grows more challenging to navigate everyday and there are more haters and “nay-sayers” nipping at my heels than I’d like to acknowledge.  During the midst of all that is happening in our nation, take this opportunity to speak life into others.  Try to reposition yourself to understand the deep hurt, pain, confusion, and doubt that these people are going through on a public level.  It’s not easy to have the world know your problems and Lord knows I couldn’t handle it.  Take a step back today and ask yourself, “How can I cast a light in a dark place?”  “How can I meet someone where they are even if I don’t believe in what they’re doing or agree with their choices?”  How can I reflect love to someone else?”  These are the callings I feel that God has placed on my heart.

I’ve always heard the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit next to me.”  Usually that is a sarcastic comment people say to encourage people to continue gossiping or saying ill things.  It’s a challenge to try to hold your tongue when there is juicy gossip going around and you don’t want to miss out.  As a woman, I know that struggle very well.  However, my hope after writing this blog, someone’s mindset is changed.  I hope that if someone doesn’t have anything nice to say, they remember these words and seek someone else to sit next to who they can speak life with.  Don’t be someone who adds to the degradation of our world. Be light and be love.

When A Heart Breaks

I just turned twenty seven this past week….TWENTY SEVEN!!! !  I can’t believe it.  I don’t really know that it has completely sunk in yet that I am in my….wait for it….late twenties (GASP)!  I’m no longer that girl that can say she’s in her early twenties, or even mid-twenties for that matter.  I am one year closer to 30 and there is no denying that time is quickly marching forward whether I’m ready or not.  I don’t dread getting older.  And quite frankly, I don’t fear the age of turning 30…at least not yet 🙂 I understand that I am still a “baby” in the grand scheme of life, and I pray that my journey lasts long enough for me to look back in 20, 30, 40, and 50 plus years to my innocent, impressionable, growth-filled days of my young adult experience .

I don’t know if it’s my birthday that has made me more reflective this past week, or the fact that I’m another year older, and hopefully another year wiser!  Maybe both.  Either way, my world today is drastically different in so many ways than my world was a year ago.  In the spring of last year, I felt like I was on top of the world.  I had just spent 3 years working towards a Master’s degree, and the sweet victory of graduation was mine.  It took 20 years straight to work towards the pinnacle of my educational goals, and I couldn’t have been more ready to finally break away from school!  I graduated with a job waiting for me in my field, bought myself my very first car, got my very first dog, and felt like every blessing was pouring down on me.  I was so happy and fulfilled.  At that moment, I had no idea what was on the horizon behind all of my successes.

I quickly dove into my new career with passion and excitement!  This was it.  This was what I had been waiting for my WHOLE life.  I knew from the time that I was a little girl that I wanted to help people.  I became a “safety officer” at my elementary school at 10 years old because I loved helping others.  I joined peer mentoring programs and fell in love with the ability to impact someone else’s life in a positive way.  Here I was at 25 with a bonafide degree that would allow me to take that passion to the next level by being a counselor.  But something was missing.  There was a void.  I couldn’t explain it at first, but it began to eat away at me.

I began to feel this twinge of dissatisfaction a couple of months after graduation.  As this feeling grew, I often thought to myself, “What is wrong with me?  Why am I suddenly feeling unhappy? Out of sorts? Unfulfilled?”  I had so much to be thankful for, but in the midst of it all, there was this overwhelming feeling of discontentment.  I was driving home one evening after an incredibly long day at work, and it hit me.  For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like I was actively working towards any specific accomplishment.  I was 25 years old and the only thing I felt like I was doing was getting up, going to work, and coming home.  (Many of you reading this might be saying, “Duh, Maggie.  It’s called being an adult.”)  But really.  This was very new for me.

For 25 years of my life, my identity was made up of “trying to get to the next level” or “setting that next goal.”  I had spent years working on my education, working multiple jobs to support myself, stayed incredibly involved in clubs, sports, and church, and networked with a lot of people to make new friendships and plug into my community.  All of the sudden, all of that came to a screeching halt.  My Master’s degree was done.  I was working a job out of town that pulled me out of my social life in a lot of ways, and I had to deal with the fact that there was no new, major thing on the horizon for me.  Of course my job was a new experience, and I hoped I could set goals for myself in that area of my life.  But overall, I felt like I had plateaued.  I felt like my little engine was losing steam.  And on top of it all, I felt incredibly alone.

As the months moved forward, and my life continued to settle into this monotonous routine of waking up, working, coming home, and sleeping, I struggled to keep a positive attitude.  My mind became consumed with doubt of, “What if I’ve made a huge mistake? What if I spent too much time furthering my career and neglected trying to build a family?  What if I always thought I was supposed to be a counselor, but I chose the wrong field?  What if the only thing I ever come home to is my dog, Netflix, and an empty apartment?  What if, What if, WHAT IF?!?”  The doubt engulfed me like a fire and infiltrated my entire being.  What if I’ve done this all wrong?

As I tried to sift through the mess of my thoughts, and the rawness of my emotions, I grasped at anything that would point me towards WHY I felt all of these things.  I wanted answers and I needed to know NOW!  I was miserable and I didn’t like the person that I was becoming.  I had to figure out how to fix this because it was exhausting to feel so discouraged on a daily basis.  I felt so lost and confused that I was even angry at God.  I didn’t understand how I could go from being on top of the world, to feeling like my world was falling apart in a matter of months. It was an unbearable place to be, and I wanted to run from it as fast as I could.

After about 9 months of this internal anguish, I finally started to pinpoint the major source of my unhappiness.  It can be summed up in one word.  Comparison.  Ugh! I even hate to write it down!  Comparison was the root of all of my bitterness.  I let this concept rule my thoughts, my feelings, and my world view.  Here I was at 25 years old with so much to be proud of, so much to offer this world, and yet I let the idea of comparison shape my perspective and determine my actions.  When I stripped everything else away, I was unhappy because I didn’t feel like I was where “everybody else was.”  What does that even mean?  Who is “everybody else?”  And why am I letting “them” determine the source of my joy?  Comparison hijacked my ability to understand my worth and value.  It stole my ability to understand my uniqueness, embrace my purpose, and it stifled my passions that I was created to fulfill.

The bottom line is that, I wasn’t where I thought I should be, so I spent most of my time and energy longing for something that I wasn’t meant to have at that moment.  I got caught up in the trap set by society that said I should be married (with possible children on the way) or close to being married if I wasn’t already.  I’ve always been a free, independent spirit who has never been a relationship girl.  But something inside of me desperately wanted that connection with someone and the fear of that potentially being a dwindling possibility made me ache inside.  I knew in my mind that I had wonderful friends and family that loved and supported me, but I passionately desired to share my life with a significant other.  What was I to do if that wasn’t God’s plan for me?

Well, I eventually did the only thing I knew to do, which was trust God.  He has provided for me my whole life, and He is the source of all my blessings.  So if He’s pulled me out of tragedy or heartache in the past, I know He could do it again.  I rolled up my sleeves and began the hard work of acceptance.  I told myself, “This isn’t where I thought I’d be right now, but this is where I am so I better find a way to be joyful despite my circumstances.”  I slowly began to read up on books about transition.  As I began to research, I realized that the feelings I was having were much more common than I thought.  I wasn’t the only “20 something year old” out there with doubt on the horizon and feeling like I lost some of my identify when I transitioned out of school and into a new area of adult life.  I was experiencing major change, and not feeling like I had specific direction was OK.  I wasn’t satisfied with all of my circumstances in my life, and it was ok not to be.

By opening the door to this new stage in my life and investigating all of the new emotions I was feeling, I allowed myself to grieve.  Grieve the loss of the Maggie who was the student.  Grieve the loss of the Maggie who was sure of her next step.  Grieve the loss of the Maggie who had all the answers.  Grieve the loss of the perfectionist who had the perfect plan.  Finally, I came to the place of surrender and decided to take each day as it came towards me.  I opened my heart to allowed myself to be moldable, teachable, and above all else, lean in and listen to what God was trying to teach me during that time.  I woke up every day with the serenity prayer on my mind:  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Ultimately, I embraced the mindset of, not my will, but Yours be done.

When I truly gave my path, plan, and purpose over to God, some incredible things began to happen.  Doors were opened to me that I never thought would be opened.  In a matter of a few weeks to a month, I embraced a new job, transitioned into a new home church, and found the man I had been praying for, the one whom my soul loves.  I began to feel the weight of doubt and discouragement lift from my shoulders.  I had no clue at that time where my path was moving, but I knew it was moving in a positive, powerful direction.  I continued to lean into God, and He continued to direct my path.  Ten months later, after my decision to accept my circumstances, and trust God with where I was on my journey, I started to overflow with joy.  I felt peace in my heart and contentment in my soul.

Now I’m not so naïve to think that everyone who struggles with something can simply “let go and let God” and get instant results of satisfaction and resolution.  My “pruning” was a process that took work, dedication, and a lot of determination to overcome the discouragement that I felt.  Trusting God in a trial is much easier said than done.  Especially when it feels like the light is not at the end of the tunnel and you have no clue when it my become visible.  During those times, it takes faith to sustain the hope that things are going to get better.

I was reading my daily devotion a few days ago (DVO by Pocket Fuel), and a specific passage stuck with me.  It stated, “Unless faith meets resistance, or fire, its potential and power stays unrealized, like a dirty hunk of gold covered in earth.  Refining always separates what holds us back from what can drive us forward.  In fiery trials we learn to let go of fear, hatred, anxiety…things that corrupt our heart, dull our shine and limit our potential, and we learn to embrace the fire and its burns, knowing that it reveals the gold within us.”  How powerful is that?!

I immediately thought of all the difficult seasons of my life, and how I have grown and learned so much from them.  If I hadn’t walked through those trials, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.  I wouldn’t understand the power of perseverance.  My faith wouldn’t have been tested and stretched.  I wouldn’t have been forced to refine my character.  And ultimately, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate half of the blessings I experience today because I wouldn’t have known what it was like to go without them.

I know there might be some people who will read this blog and shake their head in disagreement about God directing their paths.  And that’s ok.  God is who I identify with and have relationship with throughout my journey.  But even if you take God out of the equation, I want anyone who reads this to understand that their life has purpose.  It has direction.  It has meaning.  We all walk different paths, and our experiences all make up who we are.  Some people out there will experience far more tragedy than I could ever imagine.  Others may not experience much tragedy at all.  But what I do know is that everyone has their faith tested at different times.  It’s almost impossible to live this life without being brushed with heartache.  We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people, and we all just want to make it through without our lives being tainted by the sting of pain.

I have known great joy.  And I have known great pain.  But between the peaks and valleys are the gaps that press us to delve into the unknown and embrace the possibility of self discovery.  I definitely don’t pray for trials, and one of my biggest prayers is that God protects me and those I love from suffering.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that my path will be filled with obstacles and triumphs.  Failure and victory.  Heartache and joy.  Sadness and bliss.  Instability, but ultimately peace.

In closing, I want whoever reads this blog to know that, whatever you’re suffering or struggling with, it’s not in vain.  There is a purpose for what you’re going through.  There may not be a clear reason or understanding now, but it’s coming.  It may be to teach you something personally, or help you help someone else later down the road.  Whatever door is not being opened currently may be to save your from further despair.  Trust the process.  Chase your self discovery during the times that you don’t understand where your next step is taking you.  If you seek the silver linings, you will find them.  Don’t spend too much time dwelling in the pain.  Declaring victory over your circumstances (even when you feeling like you’re drowning) helps push you to recognize the good despite the bad.  I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t know the solution to every problem.  But I do know that one of the most humbling growing experiences a person can evolve from, is when a heart breaks.

Be blessed.

Say What You Need To Say

I have a lot to say.  And to be honest, I’ve always had a lot to say.  My mother has told me stories of times when I was a baby where she would find me babbling and “cooing” to myself in my crib after a nap.  I have seen home videos of myself where I was around toddler age, and I would talk to anything or anyone within ear shot range because I was a “chatter box.”  From a young age, I have LOVED conversation and LOVED connecting with others!  In addition to being talkative, inquisitive, and possibly sometimes a little long winded, I also love to sing.  I have a habit of humming, whistling, and singing at any point throughout the day.  Most times I’m not even aware that I’m doing it until someone mentions something to me about what song I’m singing.  There is something about self expression and deep connection that has drawn me in from the time that I was a young child, and has stayed very much a part of my passions, career, and personal life journey today.  I love it.  I crave it.  I chase it.

I would love to say that  my drive for meaningful conversation and strong connection with others has always been effortless and easy.  But the truth is, it hasn’t been.  Somewhere along the way in my childhood, I found fear.  Fear of what others thought of me.  Fear of judgment.  Fear of how I might be treated for expressing my feelings.  Fear of rejection.  Why?  I wasn’t born into this world with the understanding of fear.  Fear was something I learned because someone, somewhere, told me it wasn’t ok to feel what I felt or express what was on my heart.  All of the sudden, I wondered if my conversation was worth having.  Was what I had to say important?  I constantly questioned myself before I said things, and often asked myself: Are these words even worth saying at all?  If I get judged for what comes out of my mouth, why would I want to continue subjecting myself to the criticism of others?

I know the majority of my fears stemmed from a lot of bullying I experienced incredibly early on in grade school.  I was your stereotypical pale, freckle-faced, 4 eyed, scrawny little girl who hadn’t quite grown into herself yet.  I had glasses in the 1st grade with a cowlick sticking straight up out of my thick, v-cut bangs!  And to add to it, the 90’s was a decade of grunge clothing apparel that, when it’s all said and done, made me look like a boy.  I think the odds were stacked against me at this point 🙂

As I grew out of elementary school and moved on to middle and high school, I still carried this fear with me.  It may not have been obvious to the average person due to my involvement in sports, clubs, and numerous extra curricular activities.  But deep down, I always worried.  It was a permeating force that drove my thoughts and actions for a long, long time.  I worried about how others thought of me.  Was I well liked?  Was I important?  Did I measure up?  Did I matter to others as much as I felt my friends mattered to each other?  Would people truly accept me for exactly who I really was?  Sometimes I was truly terrified of being in a group of people I knew well, but not feeling like I fit with them.  I dreaded feeling like an outsider.

I don’t think I was the only one experiencing these questions or feelings because, let’s face it.  Nobody goes through life without asking themselves these questions at some point.  It’s part of growing up and discovering who you really are.  And if I’m really going to be honest, I still ask myself these questions today sometimes! (although not very often).  We are all human.  No matter how “together” we think we have it at times, we all question our worth, value, and meaning to others during different seasons of our lives.  If we aren’t forced to evaluate the tough questions like these, we aren’t pressed to find deeper meaning in our lives or seek out connection with others that truly matter.

I have spent more years of my life than I like to admit, living with fear being the driving force behind my thoughts and actions.  I play the game of “what if?”  I think worse case scenario.  Ex:  if I have a headache, I must have a brain tumor.  Don’t laugh at me or judge me because some of you reading this do that too!! 😉  As I have grown mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically over the last several years, that fear doesn’t have as much power over me anymore.  I don’t choose to feed it.  If I worry about tomorrow, the things I can’t control, or what others think about me, I rob today of it’s joy.  And I rob my ability to be present with others in the moment.

I have decided to share what’s on my heart because I have felt for several months now that God has been pushing me to share with others in some capacity.  I’m a counselor, so naturally I share and connect with others in conversation for 8+ hours a day.  But for some reason, I still feel drawn to share more.  Over the years when a verbal conversation hasn’t been my strong suit, I have turned to writing.  Whether it be through a personal journal, writing a letter, or merely expressing my feelings in some way, writing has given me the ability to put into words what I might not feel capable of saying in the moment.  As I’ve been discerning what God has been pressing upon my heart over the last couple of months ago, I have decided I would begin a blog.

As I prepared to sit down and write my first blog post, I thought back on a memory I had of sharing a difficult situation with a close friend of mine several years ago.  We were in that stage of friendship where trust had been built for awhile, but that fear of possible rejection was still a reality if I shared personal things with her that she thought made me “jacked up” for lack of better words.  As we were driving down the road, the song “Say What You Need To Say” was playing and I couldn’t help but laugh a little because it was so perfect for that situation.  I ended up sharing some things with her, and as a result, it made our friendship stronger and deeper.  Had I let the fear of possible rejection consume me, I may not have told her what was on my heart.  As a result, we might not be as close today or have an understanding of each other’s life journey up until this point.  I am thankful I chose bravery in that moment instead of fear because choosing fear would have only prevented me from experiencing the full joy of our friendship that I love today.

As I have written these words, I will admit that there is some fear behind how others might interpret them.  I have procrastinated on this very first blog post because I wanted to have it “perfect” in my mind, first, before I started writing.  The truth is, the longer I procrastinated, the more jumbled my thoughts became in my head.  So I sat down and just started typing.  As I typed, the words flowed. I know this blog won’t be perfect, and that’s ok.

Maybe no one will read the words on this page.  Maybe someone will think what I have to say is stupid.  Maybe someone will think, “That girl is crazy!”  Regardless, I’m not going to feed my fears.  I did that for far too long, and not one time did I feed my fears and end up with a positive result.  My hope is that someone, somewhere will find strength in these words and evaluate their own fears.  That they will ask themselves the tough questions of: “What fear do I need to lay down in my life?”  “What do I need to let go of that has been dragging me down for too long?”

I’m not perfect and I know I have still have a tremendous amount of growth and learning to do in my lifetime.  What I do know for sure, though, is that life is meant to be shared and connected with others.  We are meant to lift each other up by the power of our words and actions.  We aren’t meant to live in fear of judgment and criticism.  That kind of mindset only stifles our talents, gifts, and abilities to be all that we were created to be.

I don’t know specifically what direction this blog is going to take yet.  It won’t be grammatically correct.  It’s not meant to be an English paper that is critiqued or edited 100 times.  I don’t even intend to do multiple drafts.  I want it to be raw and from my heart.  What I do know is that I hope to blog regularly to share my thoughts and feelings that will help encourage others.  I am willing to put myself out there at the expense of lifting someone else up.  My prayer is that somehow my words might reach someone who needs positive affirmations, or confirmation that they are completely perfect in who they were created to be.  They are meant to be right where they are at this exact moment because they have a purpose for what they are going through right now!

We only get one shot at this life we have been given.  It is easy to become consumed with all of the frustrations, responsibilities, material, insignificant, burdensome things of this world, rather than focusing our attention on what really matters.  My hope for myself, as well as others, is that we choose our paths carefully and embrace all that comes our way.  We have an opportunity each day to lean into all that we are capable of doing to make this world a better place.  So much of that begins with believing in ourselves, rising above our doubts and fears, and being willing to touch others’ lives with love.

As John Mayer says:

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You’d better know that in the end

Its better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again

Say What You Need To Say